I remember being in that dark space. I thought that after my last relationship, I’d never find someone again. I didn’t even bother looking. At that point I thought, “Who am I kidding? How can I even give myself to another person, when I saved myself for that person?” I was always the friend who thought love had to be just like a fairy tale. I’ve been so doped up on Disney movies that I wanted my life to be that way. But what I really wanted was a relationship that flowed effortlessly. I’m talking, security, stability, constant devotion and communication with one another. I wanted to feel stress free. I didn’t want arguments every day. I didn’t want to have to worry about what was in that person’s phone, or if they were talking to someone. I didn’t want someone who would rise at my insecurities and make me feel less than I already did.
Then I met him.
Spiritually speaking, everyone attracts events or people into their lives based on their thoughts and actions. Happiness attracts happiness, negativity attracts negativity, etc. For some reason, I gravitated towards him online, and I knew I had to talk to him. Come to find out, we both got out of a relationship, and we were both completely f*cked in our heads. Our negative energies attracted a negative reality. We both unhealthily spoke of our exes, and it just kept adding fuel to the fire. I mean really, how could I ever date this guy? I didn’t even think it would go anywhere at that rate.
I found out we were born under the same moon. His birthday is May 11th, and mine May 12th (1995). And fast forward, we’ve been dating for almost two years now. We talk about this story practically all the time, the “how we first met story”. Yeah, sliding through the DM’s – real cute.
It took time, but our relationship had slowly gone from something ‘negative’ to something ‘positive’. As we were both growing day by day, we realized that negativity should play no role within our relationship. We’d have to forget the past and live for our future. Everything became blissful after that. He’s pushed me to limits I never even knew I had. Things weren’t perfect, but it still always felt like we were perfect for each other. On the days he felt low, I would lift him up through motivation and advice, and he’d do the same for me. We were always helping each other out. He pushed me to go back to school and to further my education, and now I’m in a field that I love and enjoy doing. Whenever we are in an ultimatum, we talk about our options – and we support each other through whatever decision we follow through with. We get mad at each other yeah, but just one look and we’re back to falling in love and solving our problems. We’re always by each other’s side. We are even starting to take a lifelong spiritual journey together to truly bond, learn, and grow with one another. Our life has been very positive, and we make sure we go through every day with a positive mindset, even when things get tough. We are there to balance each other out.
One of the hardest things that I’ve mentally gone through in this relationship was dealing with my fears. I guess this really questioned the reality of what our relationship was. Two years wasn’t enough to know someone, and if he was someone I’d potentially marry, he’d have to see the darker sides of me. Now any typical love story would say that the Prince would come and conquer the demons for the Princess. But my love story, my Prince, guided me to the right path and helped me conquer my own demons. There were days when I became erratic with emotions, crying, and panicking. Hearing him snore would calm me down, even though I hate hearing the slightest noise during the night. Sleeping next to him became my safe zone. However I’m not always able to be with him, and that’s when he steps in to make sure I’m okay without him. I’ve told him about coping mechanisms that I wanted to try out, and what did he do? He got me a pack of Twistable Colored Pencils (come on, who doesn’t want that?), and a Sailor Moon coloring book. He even got me a dream journal to write in with some colored pens. It’s the little things: listening and doing anything to make the other person happy.
Love is not:
I could talk about him forever, but if there is one thing I’m thankful for, it’s for him redefining what love is for me. It is not a fairy tale. It is not staying with someone who cheats on you multiple times. Love is not abuse; physical, sexual, or emotional! Love is not lowering your values to be with someone, because you think no one else will love you, or even understand your values and beliefs. Love is not supposed to be an insecurity. It is definitely not happiness 24/7. It is not thinking you are better than the other person, or that your hopes, dreams, and desires, are better than theirs.
There are so many things that love is not, but sometimes we are just so blinded that become accustomed to what it is not, and start to believe that that’s what love is.
But what love really is…
There are days where you’ll both be broken, but you’ll seek comfort in each other’s arms, and everything will seem a little less shattered. There are times when you won’t think things will work out because of the circumstances, but you push through because this is something you both want. You both see an end goal of being with each other, and you’re willing to conquer any obstacle that may be in your way. It’s the little things you do for each other to make the other smile, even if it’s a dorky gift. It’s travelling to the ends of the Earth for this person, because they are worth the trip.
Stay away from people who make you feel like you are hard to love. Stay away from people who conflate love with pain, ownership, or dominance. Surround yourself with positivity, carry yourself with the knowledge that you deserve nothing less than someone who appreciates your wholeness, your intricacies – someone who wants to learn how to love you how you want to be loved, someone who makes you want to learn how to best love them back - Maya Gittelman
