I've been taking medication since I was about ten years old. Everything is sort of blurry, so I can't go into quite so much detail, but I remember seeing a few therapists and psychologists here and there throughout elementary school and middle school. I know that I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression around fourth or fifth grade - or maybe it was earlier than that. Again, I can't exactly say, but it was somewhere in my early years, for sure. I think a reason that I'm so comfortable with opening up to people and why I always share "too much", is because I've been talking to professional adults since I was small. I'm so insanely used to people asking me how I'm feeling, or trying to get a glimpse of my mind - that's why I am such an open book; that's why I grew up as unfenced as I am. I'm absolutely not ashamed of what I've gone through, and I'm almost always okay with sharing my story.

So medication - anti-depressants, drugs, treatment, medicine, an aid - whatever you want to call it, it's changed my life for the better. I've been on different types of serotonin re-uptake inhibitors since I was ten years old - from Lexapro to Cymbalta, to Fluoxetine, to Wellbutrin, to Paxil, and currently - Zoloft. The struggle about finding a good mediation, is going through a lot of trials and errors. Some people might find a medication that works best for them right away, and others - such as myself - have to keep testing out various kinds. Sometimes it's exhausting, because I have to wait about two weeks before the effects start to "kick in", and the side effects can be exhausting at times too. I remember being on Lexapro when I was about twelve years old, and it did absolutely nothing for me. Cymbalta was a miracle worker, but I had to stop taking it because of our insurance. Wellbutrin was the worst, causing my depression and anxiety to skyrocket to new heights I didn't know even existed. I was twenty years old when I started taking it. Side effects of taking Wellbutrin that I experienced daily, were tremors, heart palpitations, sweating, nausea, excessive weight loss, numb hands, and all I wanted to do was sleep. It was, by far, the worst anti-depressant I had ever been on. But we kept on trying.

In between trying to find the perfect serotonin enabler, there were times where I felt like I was a burden on my psychologists and doctors. (Which of course, wasn't true) Why my brain was being so stubborn was beyond me - I just wanted to finally find a medication that was right for me, and that made me happy enough to get through the day without feeling like I wanted to die. I constantly wondered what it was like to not have to be on medication and to be happy on my own without relying on some sort of drug. I thought those things most times, and I resented people who came off as "perfect" and content with their lives in ways I thought I'd never be. But then, once I at last found a prescription that worked for me, I didn't care about where that happiness came from or if it was "authentic" or not. Because I knew that it was. Over the years, I have dealt with people who are anti-medication, and thought that putting drugs down a person's throat to be happy and stable was wrong. And it was always awkward for me, because I had always leaned towards medication, because of what I had gone through for most of my life.

I've been on Zoloft now, for about two years and I am so happy. It's taken a bit of adjusting and trying out different doses, but since the beginning, I feel like my life has changed for the better - that there finally is some light in my life. My family members have told me that they've seen significant amounts of change, and I sometimes feel like a completely different person. It's crazy how fast I have adapted to this new life of mine, that includes me feeling absolutely happy for no reason. I could be sitting there with bliss in my heart for no rationale, and I think to myself "Wow, so is this what normal people feel like?" So how in the world could I give that up?

I decided that I would rather take pills every morning and function like a normal human being and finally feel that happiness that I'd been searching for and craving for so long, than be without pills and be miserable, living a debilitating and painful life with constant episodes of depression, anxiety, and obsessiveness. I didn't care if people judged me, and I'm not ashamed to carry around that little bottle. I'm one of the million people who cannot survive without medication because I am lacking serotonin in my brain. No amount of yoga or mindfulness or being healthier or active alone would ever restore those chemicals. I take these pills because I need them to survive, and I am taking care of myself in the way that is right for me.