March 2, 2016.

The day my life changed forever.

This day was like any other day. I woke up, went to school, and came home. I remember I was sitting on my mom’s bedroom floor playing with my dogs when my mom got a phone call. It was from my uncle who lives in New Jersey. She picked up the phone and I will never forget the words that came out of his mouth.

“Dawn, I don’t really know how to put this, but Michael has passed.”

I immediately went into panic mode. I started crying so hard I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t know what to do with myself. Part of me was absolutely heartbroken and couldn’t believe that this was happening, the other part wasn’t surprised. My father was a very, very sick man. I knew that his addiction would lead him to an early grave, but not then. Not two months before I was set to graduate high school. Not before I left for college. None of this was supposed to happen the way it did, or really at all. I always thought that I was going to be prepared for when he did pass, mainly because I knew that this was going to happen eventually. Nothing could have ever prepared me for the major blow that I was about to take.

The first month or two after he passed I was an absolute mess. I was sad, pissed, and felt guilty all at the same time. I felt guilty for not seeing him for as long as I did. I honestly couldn’t tell you the last time I saw him before he died. I felt guilty that I never got the chance to say goodbye. What really killed me was the fact that I was never able to tell him that I forgave him. For the longest time I resented him for everything he had ever done to hurt me. I never hated him, I loved him regardless. But never having the chance to tell him that put knots in my stomach and made me feel like it was my fault for never reaching out when I had the chance.

Looking back, this whole experience changed me for the better. It made me a stronger person. It put a lot into perspective. I've learned that some people aren't worth having in your life. The people who love and care for you will always be there for you regardless of the circumstances. I’ve stopped worrying about the little things, because they’re usually dumb and not even worth wasting my time on. Life is short and it’s precious. I refuse to live my life in misery. It has made me even more determined to live my life to the fullest. It taught me to take risks. It’s motivated me to fearlessly chase my dreams no matter what they are.

I will forever carry the loss of my father with me. There will still be days when I cry and miss him. I constantly remind myself that everything I’m feeling about him being gone is selfish. I know that he was so unhappy and miserable. It comforts me knowing that he’s no longer suffering and feeling the emotional and physical pain that he once was. Everything happens for a reason. We may not know the reason, but know that there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel and something good does eventually come out of it.

To those of you who have lost a parent, I promise it does get better. You will always miss them, mourn and hurt, but the lessons you learn will change your outlook on things. I can't promise you that you will ever get over this tragedy, but I can promise you that this will make you a better person.