Suicide. A word most people steer from once it's mentioned, but never take the time to understand. In all honesty... you never will.
I lost my stepfather to suicide on October 2, 2016. The night before his death, we talked like best friends. I would've never thought that my parent was getting ready to take their own life. During the mourning process, people like friends or coworkers made an effort to express their condolences. They all said the same thing...
"So sorry for your loss."
"Your dad was a good man."
"I understand..."
Saying 'I understand' will never make us feel better. You will never understand how it feels to lose someone to suicide. Imagine your best friend, the love of your life, or even your parent taking their own life. Now imagine you knowing that person was also okay with missing your upcoming birthday, many holidays, and even your graduation. This person knew exactly what they were giving up and what big moments they were going to miss. Now you feel angry. You now see the selfish side of their act.
Your emotions are scattered. One day you're angry at everyone and almost everything you come in contact with. Then you find yourself not leaving your bedroom for hours, even days because your mind is hitting the wall of sadness. This sadness comes with not eating even though your stomach is aching from missing several lunch dates with your girlfriends or even passing up a nice dinner you would have with your boyfriend. You also build your own wall around your life as if you're protecting yourself from something larger than yourself, so you become antisocial. The friends who were by your side during the morning period are no longer texting you because they know you're not yourself. You're not as fun.
When you lose someone from suicide, it's as if you're losing your own life. The amount of nights you stay awake crying to yourself, yelling at the wall as if the person you lost is standing right in front of you become more occasional. You spend your lunch break in your car because you don't want people to see the bags under your eyes or have people ask you more questions. Girls night out is not the same without you. Your friends relied on you to bring the laughter to the group. Your boyfriend breaks down when he knows you're upset. Your life is forever changed because of suicide.
At the end of it all, suicide will never be understood. You will never understand why the girl is silent in her class. You'll never understand why the boy parked next to you screamed in his car. You will never understand why a wife wears her husband's shirt to bed each night. You will never understand why I isolated myself from everyone, including my own family. Until you lose someone from suicide, don't jump to conclusions. Don't take the silence or outbreaks personal. We take the loss differently than others. But we do respect your sympathy. But don't treat us differently.
You're not alone, call...
Suicide Prevention Hotline
1-800-273-8255
