I am always the one who gives more. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. I give out more love and more care than the average person, and it sucks.
I have the biggest heart I have ever seen in anyone. I will give anyone my heart, even if I don’t completely trust them with it. It is unhealthy and debilitating, but I persist because it’s just who I am. Some people call how I am a blessing, but others aren’t so naive.
I am broken a lot of the time. It’s not because I purposefully put myself in shitty situations. It’s not because I’m unintelligent or that I haven’t learned from past mistakes. It’s not that I hate myself so much that I put myself in situations where I give too much of myself. It’s nothing like that.
When I let someone in, they’re probably going to be PERMANENTLY in my heart. This means even if we break up or stop being friends I will always care and love them, no matter the reason our relationship ended. I give people the most delicate parts of myself, and it’s terrifying. It’s like trusting a one-year-old with a vase; they may surprise you, but they’re more than likely going to disappoint you and drop the damn vase. The vase is my heart, and people don’t tend to be THAT careful with my vase, if you get what I’m saying.
I’ve spent a majority of my life putting myself last. This isn’t to say that I am not sometimes selfish, but I generally try to make sure everyone around me is alright first, specifically those I care about. I find it very difficult to say “no” even if helping someone will drain me. Sometimes I give too much of myself that I forget to leave some for me. This results in mental breakdowns and me being very drained.
There are very few people I give myself completely to. There are very few people I trust enough to let see me in all of my ups and downs. Honestly, very few people can deal with me. I’m not that complicated of a person, but many fail to understand me. I tend to be a lot more self-aware and emotionally intelligent than my peers, so it makes sense that I am a complete mystery.
It is not a good feeling always being the one who is let down. People disappoint me a lot. I think it’s because I expect people to be as considerate and caring as I am, when in reality they aren’t. I do all I can for people and try to always consider how my actions may affect them. Unfortunately, quite a few of my loved ones (specifically my friends) don’t take into consideration how their actions and words may affect me. I also always try to see the best in people, so I expect everyone to be good and humane, but it’s really not what they end up being.
It is really frustrating. No amount of words I can write in an article will ever be able to explain just how frustrating and disappointing it is to always be the one who gives more.
Yes, sometimes being me is a good thing. People tend to like me because I am a loyal friend who is always there no matter what. I like myself that way, too! However, sometimes the negatives outweigh the positives, and I’m left feeling powerless and drained.
What happens if I continue to be the one who cares more?
Do I just get walked all over?