I hear so many people say that high functioning anxiety doesn't exist and that it's "all in their head." If you're someone who has said or thought this, then let me tell you right now that, from personal experience, it does exist and it is the worst fucking feeling in the entire world.
“We seem to be made to suffer. It’s our lot in life.” -C-3PO, Star Wars
High-functioning anxiety looks like:
1. Cleaning and organizing something when you're fighting with someone you love.
Don't get me wrong, wanting to clean so much once a week or so like this keeps your room looking neat, but it sucks when you've reorganized your whole vanity, cleaned your whole room to perfection, but the emotions hit you right before you go to sleep and you can't contain the tears anymore.
2. Biting your lips when you're in an uncomfortable situation.
Last year was a stressful, chaotic time for me and I was barely floating above sanity. So, I would usually have a mouth that was bitten to shreds. Every time that I felt vulnerable or super stressed out, I would zone out of reality and my mouth would have a mind of it's own. It's almost like self-harm, but not intentional and not as severe.
3. Losing your sanity if something on your desk is out of place.
I'll be sitting on my bed doing my homework and I'll look over and see that one of my lipsticks are tipped over and I try to ignore it. God, how I try. But I end up getting out of bed and fixing it anyway.
4. Constantly put yourself down inside your head.
"Why did you say that?" "They think you're weird, that's why they're not talking to you." "You should have made more eye contact." "All you do is hurt the people you love." "Don't you fucking dare cry in public right now." "Get your shit together, Briah." "Just forgive them, it's not like you'll be able to make any other friends." "Nobody actually cares." "Just shut up and blend in like you don't exist." "Nobody knows you and nobody wants to."
5. Laughing with friends even though you're internally freaking over that C- you got on your BIO test.
Everything seems calm, fine, even fun, right? Wrong. I listen to the joke, realize it's supposed to be a joke, laugh like I'm supposed to, and then go back to thinking a mile a minute about everything I need to do today.
6. Always being busy, yet never getting anything important accomplished.
Doctor's appointment, counseling appointment, lunch, class, walk, class, talk to a professor, run to Shopko for pads and toothpaste, make out with boyfriend in the car, watch one episode of Supernatural, supper with boyfriend's roommates, workout, read 9 chapters of a book, and suddenly it's 11:42 p.m. and I still have 2 essays, 1 worksheet, and 3 chapters of BIO to read. Awesome. *sigh*
If you struggle with high-functioning anxiety, don't give up. Things can get better if you seek help from a therapist/psychologist, a doctor to prescribe medications, and explaining to your friends and family how you feel and try to take more moments to let your emotions out. I struggle with this every. single. day.
If it helps, say to yourself "I am one with the force, the force is with me." The force being sanity, happiness, and a sense of relief. On that note, that ends this article and me rambling on because I'm avoiding going to work...
May the force be with you.
