The world stops spinning, you literally get sick to your stomach and you can't believe what you just heard. You take the time to try to comprehend things, but you just can't. Your body is shaking, your heart feels empty and it feels like you're in a different world.
February 8th, 2016, is a day I'll never forget.
For the next few days all you can think about is how this person touched you. This person, your friend, physically touched you with their fingertips, they wrapped their arms around you, you even know what they smell like.
Their voice plays over and over again in your head. Conversations that you two had become something that you reflect on. But it still doesn't sink in. Then you're faced with the day you've been dreading. The day you see them for the last time. As you're getting dressed, you shake your head and chuckle with confusion. You look at yourself in the mirror wearing that black outfit and realize that you're just 20 years old, preparing for something you thought wouldn't happen until you were old and gray. Your heart aches as you realize you won't be seeing their name pop up on your phone anymore. You reread your texts and see the plans you two had. You might even text them to say you love and miss them. But it never delivers. You realize that they'll never scream your name and come running toward you when you walk through their door.
You find yourself reminiscing on the memories the two of you shared together, you stay up all night thinking and still feel like it's a just a bad dream. You still can't accept and don't believe it, even though the reality is right in front of you. There are days you wake up and see their face on your bedroom wall and you find yourself just staring, wondering how a life so precious could be taken just like that. It seems impossible that you'll never see them again. It seems odd that the next time you go out, you won't see them at their usual spot. Your heart breaks and tears fall down because you realize they'll never get to experience marriage, having children or even graduating from college. They'll never get the chance to experience the things everyone should experience.
That's when you call your mom and tell her you can't do it anymore. She tells you to stop crying because your heart will only break more - but you just can't. As you hang up, you just feel lost. It's like your motionless and while everyone around you is moving, you're just stuck. I've learned that feeling lost is OK; feeling sad, angry, confused are all OK. I've also learned that some days you have to be strong, you have to be happy, and you have to feel at peace.
As young adults, we see ourselves as invincible. We see young people dying every day but think that it'll never happen to us. The truth is we are on God's time, not ours. We don't know what tomorrow will bring, if it even comes at all. Losing a friend opens your eyes to a lot of things, but it shouldn't take losing someone to value the people in front of you. There are days I wish I had spent more time with her, wishing I had put more effort into our friendship, but I can't change that. I can only invest in the relationships I have now. I urge everyone who reads this to take the time out of your busy schedule to spend time with someone you care about because you never know when their time is up.
RIP Shayla Michelle Hayes.
