We have all fallen victim to defining ourselves, our worth, by our relationships with boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, or wives. Maybe we don’t even mean to, but we weigh our happiness based on how great our significant other is or the amount of attention that we get from them. I am no exception. I have been boy crazy since the age of 3. Maybe I didn’t realize it until I got broken up with (it’s cool), but there was a lot of growing that I needed to do on my own. I knew who I was and who I wanted to be, but I had never really practiced it. How much time did I spend loving my significant other instead of loving myself?
This article is not meant to rag on people who are dating. I’ve almost always been the girl with the boyfriend, but I think that the problem is that many feel like it’s wrong to not be with someone else. Being on your own can actually accentuate the best parts of yourself. While dating someone can certainly bring out great qualities too, what if those qualities don’t help when you’re on your own? The reality is relationships are definitely not guaranteed. Even though I would never choose to go through it again, being forced to be on your own can be a big wake up call. Being broken up with sucked, but it may have been the jolt that I needed for me to find myself.
One thing that I try to constantly do is channel my inner Beyoncé, my inner fierce feminist. The story of the "independent woman" has been growing in pop culture and rightly so. It's the idea is that even if you’re married, dating, or single, you can still be your own, fabulous person. I really don’t think that Beyoncé’s entire identity is found in Jay-Z. To clarify, I’m not saying that we don’t need other people, because we absolutely do. I wouldn’t survive without my friends. But I know now for sure that I can definitely survive without a man in my life.
Over time, societal norms and gender roles have pushed us to believe that if we’re not dating, taken, shopping, or interested, then there must be something wrong. There is nothing wrong. There is nothing wrong if the only person who you talk to on the phone every day is your mom (that’s definitely me)! Be yourself and be great at it. I’ve always been independent and headstrong, but it still took me some time to understand that my worth and identity are not defined by being with someone else. You don’t need someone’s name popping up on your screen every five minutes to feel loved, fabulous, worth it, powerful, and capable of loving and being loved in return. If you have that, that’s wonderful. Just make sure that the other person doesn’t become all that you are.
I will admit that this is not the easiest mentality. How exactly do you go about this? It’s different for every person. For me, spending time with my friends and family was a major key. Joining a bible study or an organization to meet new people is helpful. Don’t be afraid to go out and talk to guys or girls (it doesn’t have to mean anything). Spend time on your own. Read, write, go for a run, watch Netflix in bed--it doesn’t matter. Getting a pet is helpful and they will always love you no matter what. The bottom line is to remind yourself that you are whole and complete just by yourself. To all my single ladies and men out there, you’re wonderful and you can definitely be on your own.
