After almost 15 years of Catholic education, I still wouldn't say I'm an expert Catholic with unwavering religious beliefs. When filling out my application to Gonzaga, I checked the box that said "Catholic", but it wasn't something I truly, deeply felt. I have studied the religion and I'm knowledgable, but despite high school retreats and a strong religious presence, Catholicism has always been an academic part of my life, not a personal one.
I was welcomed to campus with an overwhelming presence from CCASL and University Ministry, among other extra-curriculars. This made me extremely nervous that I wasn't going to be religious enough compared to my peers. I have a relationship with God, but it's flawed and neglected at times. For a while, it wasn't important to me and I didn't mind lying about having a strong faith and perfect relationship with God. There was a time where I finally admit to myself that my faith was not what I wanted it to be. I struggled internally at first, because I felt as though I was the odd one out for not being a 'true believer' in a place where Jesuit values and religion are so central to daily life.
It was on a first year retreat when I finally gave my faith the attention it deserves. Although I was in an environment where most people are trying to strengthen their already existent faiths, I was struggling to understand what mine was. I felt embarrassed that I didn't have everything together like I wanted, but eventually I learned that that's okay. I spent a weekend unloading all my doubts and fears to people who understood that every journey is different. One year later, I went on that same retreat as a leader. Again, I was reminded that it's OK for your faith to be 'in progress,' and I was reminded of how rewarding it is to reach out for support. I have learned that it's better to be honest about where you are in your beliefs than to fake it for the sake of a reputation, or to avoid it altogether our of fear or carelessness.
It doesn't matter what your faith is or isn't; what matters is that it's yours, and it needs to be something that needs to help you be the best version of yourself. Your doubts and questions are expected on your faith journey. The beauty of faith is that you can change it, fix it, mold it, and strengthen it to be exactly what you need. Trust that your faith can grow, and if you see yourself in a place you don't want to be in, change it. Always keep trying and never forget that the people in your life are there for a reason, and you might be pleasantly surprised should you choose to reach out to them.
