This semester is my last semester of college. I was trying to get into the developmental psychology capstone class, but I couldn’t get in. I ended up taking current issues in military psychology instead. Little did I know that this class was going to have a huge impact on my mental health.

I didn’t know anything about the topic, but was curious and felt I could learn a lot. In the class thus far we have learned a variety of things. Out of some of these issues there were two topics that help me realize that the instance with my ex-boyfriend had been carrying a huge weight on my shoulders. I was feeling extreme shame from having thoughts of not wanting to take care of him. I felt that those thoughts made me a bad person. How could someone think like that?

I never understood how shame can have an impact on people until this class. We discussed how combat veterans feel shamed about things that they have done downrange. It goes against their moral compass. We then talked about compassion fatigue which relates to people that can experience distress from taking care of other people (psychologist, nurses, doctors, etc.). These two topics are commonly overlooked, but can cause a lot of mental hardship.

I was experiencing compassion fatigue at its finest. I was sick all the time and taking care of someone sick as well. I didn’t have a support system and this relationship nearly drained all my friendships. I had no idea what made me happy anymore. I focused so much on making other people happy that I constantly forgot about myself. When I was focusing on myself, it was only to keep myself from falling out of depression. Learning about shame and compassion fatigue made me realize that I was shaming myself for having thoughts that were normal. I was experiencing compassion fatigue and didn’t know what it was or how to handle it. Due to my lack of knowledge and self-care, I was letting the thoughts of anger and betrayal take over.

Over the past year, I have focused a lot on my wellness and learned how to be happy again. I was confused why that instance was bugging me. After learning about the topics, I was finally able to process my thoughts differently. I will never forget that moment, but no longer feel shamed about it anymore.