I would like to share a story that took me a year to come to terms with. I feared telling this story, because I was unsure how to comprehend all of it. I feared it until about a month ago. I was sitting in class and suddenly the story finally made sense. I finally knew what had been bothering me for a year. Before I explain what my feeling was, let me present the story first.

Background

My ex-boyfriend and I both struggle with chronic illness. He has a heart condition and I have an undiagnosed invisible illness that has a strong effect on my digestive system. While I was sick in bed after a hospital visit, my ex-boyfriend took my credit card and withdrew money out of my college savings account. He did not ask nor told me. He already owed me money that he planned on paying back a few months prior. Even though we were living together, I stopped lending him money because of this. I simply could not afford it anymore. A few days after he stole the money out of my account I found out and asked him. He admitted to stealing from me and apologized. Our history goes way back and I will not get into that, but I’ll just say that rather than letting this one slide, I decided to let him go. Even though I felt like we were each other’s care takers, I did the logical thing and broke up with him. I called my dad and sobbed to him, because I knew that after telling my dad there would be no turning back on my decision.

Coming Home

I was nervous to come home after the instance, because of his personality. I feared that I would be putting myself in danger. Right before I came home things were very fuzzy. I don’t remember much other than fear of the unknown. I walked through the door and he was not there. Then the waiting game started. I hated the waiting game. I can’t even remember how long I waited, but it was at least for another few hours. When he finally came home we argued and I could tell his heart was giving him problems. He was having stroke symptoms and the right side of his body wasn’t functioning properly. While all this was going on, I made him sign a paper saying that he owed me money. I wanted to cover myself if I ever had to go to court one day. During all the fighting he kept apologizing to me and stating that he had been feeling suicidal that day. I felt guilty for making him sign the paper, but I knew it had to be done.

After signing the paper, the unthinkable happened. It was already dark outside and he decided to leave! He grabbed his backpack and his skateboard and left! We didn’t live in the best neighborhood to say the least and he didn’t have any family around. I was now presented with a new fear. There was someone that was leaving the house in the dark suicidal without any money or place to go. On top of that, his heart was giving him trouble. What would happen if he got a heart attack in the middle of skateboarding? Who would be there to help? So many thoughts rushed through my head. I was also scared that when he came back he would try to hurt me or something. He never hurt me in the past, but he had an aggressive behavior and TV always puts crazy thoughts in my head. I called the police and let them know just in case he was in danger. Out of all things, I feared that he was going to commit suicide. I called his mom and everything and explained what was going on.

I continued to wait and knew that sleep was not going to be an option that night. He eventually came home. He looked very ill and didn’t have much control over his body. I could tell something was going wrong with his heart. I had to take care of him. I didn’t want to take care of him after everything he had put me through. At one point, I even thought to myself that it would be easier to just let him go. I was over it. I took care of him for a few hours until we eventually had to fall asleep.

The next day I came home from work and he was sick again. He was laying on the floor and blood was coming out of his nose. I knew this was serious, but he refused to let me call anyone for help. The toxic thoughts came back to my head. I looked at him contemplating whether to take care of him. I was filled with anger, hurt, and betrayal from this man. Would it be easier just to leave him? I couldn’t do it. I had to take care of him. Little did I know that the toxic thoughts would haunt me for a year.