I know that jealousy is not within the confines of gratitude. And yet as I grow a life that I am proud of and acknowledge my abundance, I find myself facing jealousy quite frequently.
My jealousy is a double-edged sword. I am jealous because when I get married, it will be my first marriage but not my partner's. However, the experiences that their atrocity of a union before me created are a part of what made him into the person that I love.
I don't know why I'm jealous. I am the sun, moon, and stars to this man just as he is mine. I always reason somehow late at night when it's dark and my fears are out and about that our creating a life together isn't be as special because he already did it with someone else. He always assures me that this isn't the truth and deep down, I know that what he's saying is true.
There's a theory I have about my jealousy. It comes out when I start to feel good about myself. Perhaps my jealousy is nothing more than an attack on myself to be retrogressive to my own happiness. "Self-sabotage". Because why should I be jealous of anyone? There is only one of me. I am a combination of things that no other on this planet possesses. It is especially foolhardy to be jealous of a person who, if they saw me, would be jealous of me.
Jealousy is just a diversion tactic. It's a way of looking away from yourself to see who you can use to criticize yourself. And in my case, it's stripped me of a great deal of joy.
I am going to make an agreement with myself and block his ex on all of my social media account so that I cannot look or wonder any longer. I am going to instead look at me - look at us and what my partner and I have and stop focusing on his past to distract from our future.
I hope that if you're obsessively Googling someone or perusing an Instagram or frequenting any kind of solicitation of jealousy, my own little battle on this page can help you pick yourself up and see what I've seen about jealousy.