“Don’t worry, just be yourself,” is a phrase that, when I hear, everything in my brain seems to explode into pieces.

Why is it so difficult to know who we are when we are the only ones who have felt our own emotions, seen from our perspective, and stored all our own thoughts away in the little metaphorical file cabinets in our brain (yes this is a Spongebob reference)?

I reflected on some personal experiences from my past that maybe other people who have felt the same way as me could relate to, and hopefully will find some sense of comfort in knowing that no one else knows what the heck they’re doing.

I spent my final years of middle school and first few years into high school in a cloud of self-discovery because I was insecure of what people would think of me. To this day I still subconsciously seek approval from those around me because, we as humans want to be liked whether we want to admit it or not. Anyways, when I was in these crucial stages of trying to figure out who I was, I would tend to act certain ways that weren’t all that true to myself because I thought that was what people wanted to see and how I should act. A lot of the “masks” I would put on seemed to be influenced by the media. I now realize that when I did that back then, it held me back from developing certain aspects of my true self since it was covered up by all of these "expectations" that made it difficult later on down the road to understand what I want and who I am completely. My mindset was “if it works for them, then it should work for me, right?” WRONG OLIVIA WRONG! From the clothes I wore to the way I did my hair was all influenced by what other people thought and did. It’s fantastic to be inspired, but just don’t be so immersed in the person or thing that inspires you that it turns into imitation. Then you just become an off-brand version of that person. We are constantly surrounded by people who look like they have their sh*t together, and we end up comparing ourselves to them even though we don’t know their whole situation. When scrolling through your Instagram feed and comparing yourself to everyone you see, it’s easy to get lost in that idea of thinking that your life isn’t as valuable or exciting just because you see someone post a picture at a place you’ve always dreamed of going to. Comparison is the defeat of joy. That’s all it is. Sure, it can motivate you occasionally, but sometimes we don’t even realize how obsessive we are over other people’s lives rather than our own. It’s not always on social media that we compare ourselves. My earliest memories of comparison began in elementary school. I was always the quiet girl in class. I was fine with that until teachers started to tell me to “speak up more”, which I know they mean well and “participation” counts, but isn’t it enough just to show up to the damn class and take notes? I know speaking up in class helps later in life, but hey, I barely said a word and I got into a good college that I still don’t speak up in lol. Later on when I got to high school I would still do the same thing, and ALWAYS compare myself to the people who fearlessly raised their hand or just spoke outright in class discussions. It may not have seemed a lot to them, but I looked up to that and wanted to be like them. A lot of what these people are doing, on social media and in school, may work for them but not for you. And that’s OK! I know it’s easier said than done, but sometimes all self-discovery takes is some time alone.

There was a time in high school when I didn’t really have a lot of friends. So, my after-school days consisted of: homework, going to the gym, and listening to music while scrolling through Tumblr. And I loved every second of it. Although social media can be toxic (especially Tumblr), it can be a good source of inspiration because of the access we have on it. But, like I mentioned earlier, don’t take it to the point of imitation. I discovered a lot of the music I listen to now through Tumblr and got fashion inspiration from blog posts I followed. Soon both of those two things evolved into who I am today and are a big part of my life. Another thing is we are CONSTANTLY changing. Its important to not fear change, because, for one thing, its unavoidable, and another, its where the most growth happens. You may not even notice it at the time but looking back years or months ago you can see a big difference.

Like I said earlier, a lot of the comparison and “mask wearing” happens in the crucial stages of when we all tend to naturally want to know who we are. It seemed as though I put too much focus on trying to figure all of this out in so little time at such a young age, when in reality it takes our whole lives to truly figure this stuff out. So, if you feel like you compare yourself too much, or feel like you have no idea who the heck you are, just let everything happen naturally. When you do that, you’ll discover the truest parts of your personality that may have been hidden by what you thought you should be. You also have your whole life to figure this out, so procrastinate all you want! Kidding.