Opening the door to a new adventure leaves anyone with sky-high expectations. Like all 18 years olds, I have experienced many milestones that have birthed a new perspective of the world around me. Out of all these milestones, the one that has left the greatest impact on me has been going to college.

Whether you go to community college, a small private university, or a huge state college, the experience of furthering your education after high school is one that will serve as leverage to becoming an adult. Within your first year you will feel the overwhelming change of not being in the environment you were accustomed to for the past four years, or possibly even longer than that. I felt this wave of anxiety as well, and the realities of my freshman year are what killed my spirit.

I walked into my freshman year of college with the same character of my high school self. I was on another plain of optimistic, which fueled my motivation to succeed academically. And things felt like they were going well. Within the first month, I met tons of commuter students such as myself, and I somehow landed two jobs, one of which involved my passion — writing.

Maybe I peaked a bit too early, because after that first month, everything kind of slowed down. Not in the sense that my life went downhill, but more so that I came to the realization of how quickly the world around me changed. College started to feel less like an exciting adventure and more like a mundane kind of lifestyle. I told myself I wouldn’t look back too often, but I found myself comparing the excitement of my senior year to the monotony of what I was feeling in college. I stopped being excited to see my new friends, because even though I lived right in my hometown, I went weeks without seeing the friends who had built me, and it left me feeling empty quite often.

Furthermore, I was overwhelmed at the academic rigor of college. Although it is difficult to compare it to high school, all I can say is that is most definitely on another level of overwhelming. Trying to do well in the classroom kept me from finding experiences beyond school work, to a point where a lot of my days revolved solely around a pencil and paper. I had to fight a lot of the bad habits that got me by in high school, because they didn’t work in college.

I guess in general I didn’t want to deal with missing what I once had. I didn’t want to start all over again. I had built myself up in high school, and all of sudden, it was like all of those accomplishments were irrelevant. Although the idea of being able to paint a new picture for yourself seems exciting, the blank canvas terrified me.

So what did I do? I was sad, and then I had to force myself to suck it up. It seems kind of harsh, but I realized that the cliches are true: life doesn’t stop for anybody. Focusing on the past will only leave you empty because all of those memories will remain behind you. So I kept them in my heart, but I pushed them out of my mind. I realized that if I wanted to be happy, I had to look forward.

What I mean by the expression that college “killed my spirit” is that the overly-optimistic, extremely soft-hearted, and passive part of me died. I toughened up and realized that not everyone is always going to be nice, and there’s nothing to gain from trying to be people pleaser. I learned that even the people in your life that you put a lot of your trust in can and will do you wrong. A year ago, I would apologize for things I didn’t do just for the sake of avoiding conflict. I would forgive people who weren’t even sorry, and continue go out of my way for them despite their refusal to change. Although I still aim to be an amicable and forgiving individual, I know my boundaries now. You have to make time for people who have time for you.

So a new part of me came to life. I found happiness in my passion for writing, and I felt invigorated by the positive feedback from those around me. I appreciated all the new people I met from different walks of life, because they all had their own wisdom to offer from their separate experiences. I traveled to places I feared I would never be able to go in my lifetime, and that is such a blessing. I don’t waste time on people who don’t deserve it anymore, and that leaves more energy to love those who truly make me happy. What the future holds doesn’t scare me as much as it used to, and instead I’m exhilarated to see what is to come next.

So college killed my old spirit, but it had to happen. I had to let go of a lot of things to become a better person, but now, I’ve never felt more in my element. Time is a very harsh thing, as it keeps going on even when it seems like it’s impossible for the sun to come up after a particularly dark night. I’m happy about who I’m becoming, that's good enough for now.

“Things change and friends leave. And life doesn’t stop for anybody.” - Stephen Chbosky.