I started my freshman year the way I believe most people do: excited, ready to begin a new chapter of their life with a dash of nerves. Additionally though, I had just come out of a long-term relationship the summer beforehand. During the whirlwind of meeting about a million new people and trying to adjust to the new challenge of college, I was still trying to move on from my former boyfriend. And I thought I could handle it like I normally do – by giving myself space and immersing myself in what was supposed to be the best time of my life.

But it didn’t work out that way. I had this constant gnawing feeling in the back of my mind that I wasn’t happy. I felt like I was in the wrong place. My ex and I were in the same college town and I had a paralyzing fear that I’d see him downtown. I spent nights crying myself to sleep confused on why I was stuck at what felt like rock bottom. I thought I had no place to go and worst of all, I felt like there was no one I could vent all of this to or understand what I was going through. But my college is amazing and had an endless amount of resources, especially for students struggling with anything in their life. So, I decided that I had nothing to lose by trying something I had never considered for myself – counseling at CAPS.

For those that don’t go to Ithaca College or know what CAPS is, it stands for Counseling and Psychological Services. It's a place where students can go for free to meet with counselors and discuss their problems either individually or in group therapy. Though it not an immediate help option, it is a useful resource option on campus for short-term counseling needs.

However, at the time I didn’t want to admit that my breakup was the sole reason for going to CAPS. So during the initial phone call to determine my reasoning for turning to CAPS, I added on my performance anxiety as a component. I figured why not work through two problems at once, after all I am a music student and do need to perform from time to time.

Leading up to my first appointment, I was extremely nervous. I had no idea what to expect or what this meant for me. Was I a person that needed counseling now? Was something wrong with me? Why couldn’t I just get over him? Would this even help or be a waste of time? Simple just checking in CAPS for my appointment, I felt like all eyes were on me, judging me, and I immediately started to regret my decision and wanted to turn around back out the door.

Then I met my counselor. Big smile, soft personality and a fellow performer, he made me feel extremely welcome and safe from the minute I hesitantly walked into his office. I sat in his huge blue couch that seemed to hug me comfortingly. Then he asked me a question I hadn’t heard this entire time at Ithaca College, “Do you feel ready to talk?” Before, if I did talk about my breakup people just asked how I was doing and tried to comfort me with a pat on the back and their own personal ways they moved on from an ex. But my counselor didn’t ask me that, he asked, “Do you feel ready to talk?” and I immediately felt overwhelmed with emotion, which then lead to bursting into tears.

Now, there’s no magic trick that CAPS performs to heal you of all your problems. It is as simple as my counselor listens to me talk about what I’m feeling in my life and we search for the source of why. But he works with me to find solutions to work through my struggles based on its cause and that is a crucial element. Something like getting rid of a bag of my ex’s things took several sessions and quite a bit of working through. But it made me feel supported and understood. I started to feel more open and, after what felt like a long time, myself again.

And as the weeks for counseling went on, we began to discuss new obstacles in my life and different aspects causing dissonance in my life. That was when something new was brought to my attention – my counselor thought I had an anxiety disorder. Based on his observations over the course of months, he thought part of my problems was this excessive anxiety getting in my way from true happiness. Next thing I knew, I was being swept into see a psychiatrist and receive Student Accessibility Services.

I’ll admit I was skeptical at first at the idea of taking anxiety medication and being labeled as having a disorder. But I was surrounded by so much love and support from my friends, my professors and my family. I was diagnosed after spending years feeling miserable constantly and learned the way I felt was not actually normal. And it’s all worked out for me – I feel genuinely satisfied in my life and can actually enjoy life to its fullest.

Medication and counseling aren’t the answer for everyone, and they’re not immediate either, but I definitely recommend being open to the idea if anyone ever feels the way I did. It took time, and I still continue with my counseling sessions, but I never thought of myself as a person needing that extra help. But I’ve learned that it’s okay to ask for it rather than trudging along through life trying to handle the whole world on your shoulders. And it’s taken a lot for me to speak out about my experience and coming to terms that I have a disorder, but I’m also proud of having found the path to my happiness and want to share my story to hopefully impact someone else.

CAPS saved me in multiple aspects. I will forever be grateful for the endless amount of support they provide and helping me find my way. Thank you CAPS.