Anxiety doesn't discriminate. It has no preference. You don't have to be in a vulnerable state, it just finds you and it consumes you. The darkness of anxiety found me last year and took me down slowly- and then shortly, all at once.
It's difficult to put anxiety into words. It is almost like feeling on edge, as if you're waiting for something bad to happen, but it continues throughout the day and into the night. My anxiety rooted from a panic attack. They say panic attacks can feel like you're dying, and that's exactly what it felt like.
For most people, the night is when their mind wanders the most, you're over tired and have free time to let your mind drift off into the dark abyss. I made the mistake of letting my mind slip too far- and the shortness of breath began. It wasn't a shortness of breath like you get after running but rather, the shortness of breath that comes from being choked, choked by your own thoughts. Then the claustrophobia sets in as if you have no where to run, when really you have the whole world in front of you but instead, it's like you're just stuck in one place. Time stands still and you're shaking, lost in your thoughts, lost in the moment, scared of what comes next.
That one panic attack set me off, showed me that my body is able to lose control, and I am unable to control it. I think that is the most terrifying part of panic, you feel as if you no longer have control, just powerless. This is when my anxiety began to consume me, when I let my mind become stronger than my body, and allowed my negative thoughts to drown out the positive ones. The panic attack occurred at night so every night when I tried to close my eyes I was reminded of the night I lost control. Nights soon became my worst enemy and sleep was no longer an option, but rather a battle.
The anxiety soon followed into the daylight and I carried it with me to class along with my books. Just sitting in class became a treacherous task knowing that my body has gone against me once and it could occur again. I feared that panic would come over me in front of all my classmates and I wouldn't be able to stop it, just powerless, and shameful. Fighting my own thoughts in class while trying to pay attention to the material took a toll on my academics. Physically I was in class, but mentally my mind was off somewhere else- somewhere dark.
Anxiety isn't always an easy concept for people to understand. Why can't you just thinking rationally? Well, I ask myself that too, but anxiety takes the reigns and being rational is no longer an option. Sometimes people ask, well what are you worried about? Anxiety is much more than just being worried, it's the fear of the unknown, fear of the future, fear of the unpredictable. Due to anxiety's complexity, it is easy to feel misunderstood therefore, it is easy to suffer in the darkness alone.
Rather than letting my anxiety control me, I decided to control it. Remember you are in control of your body, your thoughts, your mind. Anxiety will always find a way to linger in your life, but you choose whether or not to succumb to it. Be stronger than your anxiety. Be stronger than the negative thoughts. You hold the reigns to your life now.
