This entire letter is satire and does not contain a single statement I would want anyone to put up with. Too many people subject others to their tyranny because they, somewhere down the road, began to believe they had the right to do so. With the intention to point out certain absurdities, specific to household norms, I hope this will generate some thought.

Dear Husband,

I would really love it if you came home from work everyday looking regal and as made up as you were on our wedding day. As a suggestion, not a command, I encourage you to consider going to the gym at least a few times a week so you will keep looking like the guy I fell in love with.

"When will we have kids?" Let me know when you want, but I’ll be making the final call on that one— seems like too big of a decision for your male ego to handle— and as we all know, I am the head of this household and wear the pants of decision making.

As has been explained, there’s no need to ask my permission to use the bathroom— that would be a little overboard, don’t you think?— but I do request that you converse with me before planning a boys’ night out— not that I need to keep an eye on you, but as the leader in this relationship, I’d like to know your whereabouts at all times. (And since I have breasts and a vagina I have the power to say that).

I would very much prefer that you would get rid of that hair gel you love. It is messy and sticky and who are you trying to attract anyway? You’re married to me.

"What about dinner tonight?" Honey, you're such an explorer- and you love a good adventure. How 'bout you go use your explorative curiosity to cook us up a meal in under an hour without catching anything on fire. Have fun and make sure you clean the dishes when you’re done!

Honey, after dinner would you give me a foot massage? Oh no, I’m just asking— but if you don’t, I will be witholding sex for a prolonged period of time.

Hey honey, the deacons at church say you…how did they put it…”speak up” too much in Sunday school. Could you quiet it down a bit?

Hey darling, would you just keep your thoughts to yourself when we’re out in public? I know you like to talk, but your voice can get quite annoying to some people and I wouldn’t mind leaving early to go get my nails done.

Hey honey, would you mind being less…creative? Your art and poetry is cool and all, but some people get offended— they even think what you're doing is a waste of time.

Oh honey, don’t go to work- or anywhere for that matter- without your shirt buttoned to your collar. I know your chest hair makes it hot, but let's try our best to be modest, okay? Oh and don’t forget to wear that swim shirt I got you whenever you go to the pool. We don’t want anyone looking at that chest hair but me.

Hey honey, I know I was the one who convinced you to have so many kids back to back, but could you do a better job at settling them down? Little Joe cries too much and Mary always says she’s hungry while Charlie is running all over the place. I’m trying to watch this chic-flic in peace. Please handle what you were put in charge of.

Hey honey, are you tired? Is something wrong? Why didn’t you tell me you wanted to wear your hair gel and go to bed instead of rubbing my feet? I thought you were more mature than that.

Hey honey, you're kicking me out? You can’t do that— I’m the WOMAN of the house!

Hey honey, please, please let me come home. I think I know where we went wrong: you just need to be better at submitting to me.