There are few things in this cold world that I want to think about less than Donald Trump's penis size. And yet, here we are. Last Thursday night was supposed to be a Republican debate like any other. In a universe parallel to the one the Republicans seem to inhabit, debates are typically forums in which candidates spar over the issues and prove their qualifications to become Leader of the Free World. Thursday was a new low. Donald Trump spouted off this delightful comment:
"He (Marco Rubio) referred to my hands — 'if they're small, something else must be small.' I guarantee you there's no problem. I guarantee."
Yes, there we have it, ladies and gentlemen! The battle for the GOP nomination is officially all about dicks, both literal and figurative. With this image, we have been collectively violated. The best remedy for taking your mind off of something awful is to think about something slightly less awful, but still awful enough so that you can't really think about anything else. With that in mind, here are some terrible things you can use to counterbalance the trauma of thinking about GOP genitalia:
1. "The Human Centipede."
I hate this 2009 movie by Tom Six with the fire of a thousand hot suns. It is so disgusting. It is the most horrendous incarnation of the evil scientist trope that you could hope to find on the silver screen. That being said, neither the movie's antihero, sadistic Dr. Heiter, nor any of the members of the human centipede are running for public office, so I think it is a great Trump antidote.
2. Things at the bottom of the Mariana Trench.
I hate the ocean and I am seriously frightened by deep sea creatures and the unknown. The Mariana Trench is nearly 7 miles deep. That is unthinkable. Many awful creatures live in the Trench, including the goblin shark. I sit and imagine being dropped into the deep dark hole in one of those James Cameron pods and instantly burst into a cold sweat ... it's great because I stop thinking about Donald Trump's penis completely. One amazing aspect of the Mariana Trench is that I will never have to go near it in my lifetime. The same cannot be said about Trump and his policies.
3. Brazilian wandering spiders.
I personally wrestled with this one because pictures of spiders make me flinch and slam my laptop shut, but I do think I am serving a greater good. The Brazilian wandering spider is one of the most venomous spiders on earth. However, deaths are rare as antivenin is available. As an arachnophobe, I find thinking about spiders is a great Trump antivenin as I will probably spend the rest of this evening imagining every shadow is a spider and not once thinking about Donald Trump's penis size.
This has been a starter list, but I hope you are inspired to go out and watch some strange European horror movie or contemplate your least favorite members of the animal kingdom. You may find some reprieve from the latest grossness unleashed on us by Trump and Co. Remember that truth is stranger (and scarier) than fiction, and there's no creepy-crawly worse than 21st century American fascism.
