Now, don't get me wrong. I will vehemently defend Long Island as one of the best places on Earth to all of my non-Long Island college friends. Aside from New York City (*the city*), it is the only other part of New York that actually matters. Anything north of Manhattan is Canada (sorry Westchester friends). The bagels and pizza here are like no other. Honestly, the bagels and pizza on Long Island are the only relevant bagels and pizza. Period. We have the eighth largest mall in America, and some seriously cool destinations (the Hamptons, anyone?). If I ever see or hear any mention of "Sweet Caroline" or The Karate Kid, I will never hesitate to tell you that my maternal grandfather delivered Neil Diamond's first child and Ralph Macchio. True story.
But to be honest, most of Long Island is pretty boring.
My hometown is called Plainedge. Yeah, you read that right. Plain-edge. As in the edge of a plain. They meant the literal plain of flat land. But my hometown is perhaps the most figuratively plain place in the entire world. It consists of a series of three strip malls and the school district. Yes, I can get pizza, bagels, coffee, pastries, cold cuts, groceries, an education, and anything else I need to survive in my 1.4-square-mile town. But if I want to go to the eighth largest mall in America, I have to drive 20 minutes. If I want to go to the cute independently owned bookstore in Huntington, I have to drive 25 minutes. If I want to go luxury shopping up on the North Shore, I have to drive 30 minutes. If I want to go to the cool new literary-themed restaurant in Atlantic Beach, I have to drive 40 minutes. And if I want to go traipsing about the Hamptons, I have to drive two and a half hours with traffic. And there will be traffic.
The thing is ... every single town on Long Island is like this.
Once again, do not misinterpret what I am saying. Long Island certainly has its gems. But at any given location, the places you actually want to be are too far away to just go to on a whim. Living on Long Island is like going into the city (for you non-Long Islanders, that's New York City); you must have a battle plan. You cannot just say, "What the heck, I think I'll go to Roosevelt Field Mall today." No no. What day is it? Is it Saturday or Sunday? Because if it is, good luck breathing, walking, or not getting so frustrated with the crowds that you just up and leave in there. "Ya know what, I think I'll go to the Hamptons today." What time is it? Is it between 9 a.m. and 9 p.m.? Because if so, then it is rush hour and it will take you three hours to get there (and no, it does not matter if you start in Massapequa or Shoreham. It will take you three hours).
Long Island is home to many great restaurants, stores, coffeeshops, cute little towns, and other odds and ends to the point where one would think, "How could you ever possibly get bored living here?!" Yet here I am, bored out of my mind, writing my Odyssey article about how boring Long Island is. The most exciting things that happen on a daily basis are my hangouts with my friends, which involve convening in someone's basement, playing Smash Bros. and Head's Up until 4 a.m. when the host gets too tired and politely sends us home. Wash, rinse, repeat. Every day, of every summer. The reality is that everything fun on Long Island is simply too far away to enjoy on a daily basis. Oh, and before you say it, I hate the beach. I get absolutely zero enjoyment from the beach, even though it is there whenever you need it. I will take my heated pool over sand in my ass and saltwater in my eyes any day.
Oh well. At least Billy Joel is a native.
