I was speeding down a country road not long ago, when I slowed it down to about 50 mph for a corner. As I expertly negotiated my little black sports car around the corner, gently accelerating at the perfect time, I failed to notice a police car initiate pursuit. My radio was jacked up, I was almost home for "Grey’s Anatomy," and I never used my read view mirrors because objects really are larger than they appear. Besides that, they make me dizzy.
On a straight stretch, he pulled up beside me from out of nowhere, and apoplectic, grey haired middle aged officer, frantically mouthing that I took to be obscenities at me as he gestured violently. Being the law abiding citizen I am, I ignored his rudeness and simply gestured back in a friendly fashion. I could tell by the spittle landing on his passenger side window that he was trying to tell me something, so I immediately pulled over, wondering if I had driven away with the gas nozzle again.
The top was down, and I thought that if this officer wasn’t a real police officer, I was in a bit of a pickle, so as he rapidly approached my vehicle, I turned and asked him if I could see some identification. A reasonable request, I thought. I was told in no uncertain terms to face front and remain in the car. I thought that was silly. Why would I want to get out of my car? I remained there humming the theme song to "Grey’s Anatomy" hoping I wouldn’t miss it.
“What the @#%! were you thinking?” The officer asked. He continued on a calm but serious tirade, saying he couldn’t believe I didn’t see him, did I know how fast I was going, didn’t I see the speed limit sign, blah, blah, blah. He really wasn’t giving me a chance to respond, but by then it had dawned on me that I must have been OK with the gas nozzle thing, which was a big relief.
So he asked me for my license and registration, which was problem because I have every license I was ever issued. The office got curious about my different hair colors and asked why I had so many different IDs. I jokingly said I wasn’t a terrorist; I just used them to reevaluate my hair color choice from time to time, which didn’t go over well. He did a lot while shifting from one foot to the other, before he asked me where I was coming from. I said I wasn’t sure because I didn’t know where I was now.
Let me offer some advice at this point. It is not wise to tell a police officer you do not know where you are. It seems that raises a flag to the well trained officer and he will ask you to step out of the car. My car was very low to the ground, and usually I have to position myself with one leg in and the other out. Since I was wearing a skirt and didn’t want to scare the already frazzled officer, I struggled trying to keep my knees together and host my rather ample tooshie out of the car. I gave my head several forward thrusts, raising my posterior fourth each time, much like a Yo-Yo. When I got to five, he gently pushed my shoulders back saying, “Forget it.”
He went back to the cruiser and there was a lot of squawking over his radio, almost drowning mine out. After “Love Yourself” and half of “What Do You Mean?” the officer reappeared, scaring the living bejesus, or shall I say Beliebers, out of me. He suggested we start over, and he said he was a little surprised that I didn’t see him for a couple of miles. I explained to him that I had been driving for quite some time, my rearview mirrors make me dizzy, and before I could stop myself I added that I didn’t want to miss "Grey’s Anatomy." Actually, one might say I was babbling incoherently.
Thinking back, I might as well just have said “Slap the cuffs on me officer.” A look of total exasperation covered his face, and I knew he was about to read me my rights. He leaned into my car, and folding his arms over the door he said. “I’m about to go off-duty. I would know if you were drunk or on drugs, and your license is clean. You were speeding, but to be quite honest, I don’t have the stamina to deal with you right now, so I’m giving you a verbal warning. You are in Sanford, Maine, USA, Planet Earth. Drive slowly south and look in your rearview mirrors now and then until you get home. Goodnight”
If I had ever wanted to kiss a cop, it would have been then, but all I said was “You are God!” Before I drove off I checked the time. Ten minutes until "Grey’s" I can make totally make it!
That's it for today.
