I'm Really Difficult To Love: An Honest Letter To The World

I'm Really Difficult To Love: An Honest Letter To The World

We had a love-hate relationship, and you loved it.


Dear Universe,

I'm sorry.

And that is the only thing I will say to you, if you ever choose to love me, or love me again. Because you will never understand what I have went through just to get your approval about how I look, how I act, or even how I smell or how I sleep. I'm sorry that I didn't live up to your expectations. See, I live through life day by day thinking about how to make people happy, yet forgetting that the one thing that really matters is making myself happy.

But what if making myself happy isn't what's most important? What if making myself happy will only cause people to judge, to ridicule, to pick up at my insecurities that are barely hanging on underneath the surface? I have SO many insecurities, and I'm so scared that nobody will truly get me, who I am as a person, who I am when I'm by myself, around others, around my stuffed animals laying around in bed with my shorts and a laptop open to Netflix.

You don't get me, and I'm afraid nobody truly does.

It's so hard finding that someone that will really know how I am feeling, or somebody that will complete my sentences, or someone who knows I am not okay, even though I may repeatedly reassure them that I am truly okay. I'm so awkward when I meet new people, never knowing what to really say, never knowing what to say to make them like me or even love me as a person. I feel invisible when I try too hard, and then I just feel judged when I don't try at all.

Impressing you is so hard. I simply just wish to be left alone, with my thoughts, so I would feel at ease and loved in some way from myself.

I hate it when we have fights, too. When I would constantly shut the door from you and refuse to go out and see you. I'm an introvert, and in some ways, I tend to convince people that I am an extroverted introvert, JUST to get some sort of approval, because even though approval is something so small and intricate, it is still something that can quench my taste of feeling I belong somewhere.

And that is why I write. I write to show everyone how great you are, even if you put me down sometimes. I write stories just to make you feel comforted, content, at ease. I know sometimes my stories bother you, because you feel as if I'm not bragging about you enough, but I still love you in the sort of way that nobody else can really love you.

I know you understand where I'm coming from, when I would tell you stories about my childhood, when you watched me when I struggled in building a decent relationship with my parents, when you watched me get my first paycheck, and on and on and on. I know you never really judged me, but subconsciously you did. Our relationship was just beginning when I started to feel down, when I started to feel that you never really LOVED the way I am, but in fact, you brought more people in my life to convince me that I wasn't like them, that I was JUST not enough.

That me being nice to everyone would just drain me. That me only talking to you would only make me realize that I wasn't putting myself out there enough. That me relying on you would just make me realize that I was codependent. That me ignoring you would just mean I was turning my back on everyone.

We had a love-hate relationship, and you loved it. But I didn't know if anyone else ever felt the same way with the world. I call you my Universe, because I find the word "world" synonymous to many different things, such as lover, boyfriend, girlfriend. You weren't my lover or boyfriend, you were my universe.

I couldn't contain you, and you couldn't contain me.

That was fine, but it never meant that I didn't try to contain you. But then you made me realize one thing: something so huge and magnificent just couldn't be contained in the tiny hands of mine; so then I stopped trying to keep you steady. I simply let you go as one of my free wills, and I hope one day you realize I was always your universe, and that you should try to stop containing me, too.

And just...

Let me go.

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6 Things I Didn't Really Need in My Freshman Dorm, And 6 Things I Wish I Brought Instead

I promise you, being Pinterest-worthy just doesn't make sense in a dorm.

As I packed up my dorm room and unpacked it all once I got home, I kinda felt stupid. I moved in with 2 cars full of stuff (yes, I know how extra that sounds and yes, it was indeed that extra) and I didn't end up needing half of it. Now, I'm swimming in stuff I need to get rid of while holding on to the stuff I didn't realize I would need and ended up buying mid-year. No matter how much you think you know everything, first-time dorm residents, please listen.

6 things I DIDN'T need but swore I did

1. All my personal books

I mean, I'm an English major and I love to read, but no one, and I mean no one, A) has free time and B) uses that free time to read in college.

2. Keurig

There's a coffee shop I can use my cafe credits at on my way to class. I never woke up early enough to brew my own coffee, and I never craved it bad enough in the afternoon to feel like I needed to make my own immediately. It was nice to make tea with though.

3. Dishes and Silverware/Excessive Mugs

All you need is 1 mug and a couple of water bottles. I promise you paper plates and plastic silverware are all you need.

4. An overabundance of office supplies

I didn't use all those fancy office supplies in high school, so as much as I love them, I have yet to reach for them in college.

5. T.V.

The T.V. I had was only slightly bigger than my laptop screen and the wifi at my dorm wasn't good enough for streaming. I hardly used it, but I know others used theirs a lot. Just a personal preference!

6. Tons of wall art

I totally believe wall art has the power to make a dorm room feel less institutional, but I wish I had brought more pictures from home to make my room personal. Pinterest dorm rooms just aren't real, and they aren't what you want when you're homesick.

6 things I wish I had bought before school started

1. ID Lanyard

I personally love these ones from Vera Bradley , but honestly, any way you can carry your ID, money, and keys all in one is a life changer.

2. Earplugs/Eye Mask

Dorms are loud even during quiet hours and sometimes your roommate stays up later or gets up earlier than you do. Amazon couldn't ship these to me fast enough.

3. Wireless Headphones/Earbuds

Personally, I'm an earbuds girl, but either one does the trick. It's nice to not have to deal with cords and to be able to connect to any of your devices without an adapter.

4. Laptop Shell/Stickers

Almost everyone ends up ordering stickers to put on their laptop to express themselves to those around them. On a practical level though, you're probably going to have the same laptop as 5+ other students in your lecture and you will probably throw your laptop in a bag and run at some point. A shell and some stickers will provide more protection than you realize. Check out http://www.redbubble.com for some great options.

5. Small vacuum

This is especially important if you get a rug. Sweeping is not pleasant, and the vacuums at your dorm are probably older than you are.

6. Pictures from home

Like I said before, wall art isn't going to comfort you when you want to go home. A picture of your dog or best friend sure will though.

Cover Image Credit: Lauren Gherna

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I'm Not The Person I Was In High School And I'm Not Sorry I Changed

I'm sorry, the old me can't come to the phone right now.


If those who knew me in high school hung out with me now, they probably wouldn't recognize me. If my friends from college hung out with me around two years ago, they probably wouldn't recognize me. It's safe to say I've changed... a lot. I definitely find the change to be for the better and I couldn't be happier with the person I've become

In high school, I would sit at home every night anxiously waiting to leave and go out. Now, honestly, going out is the last thing I want to do any night of the week. While everyone in college is at a fraternity party or at the bars, I prefer to sit at home on the couch, watching Netflix with my boyfriend. That's an ideal night for me and it is exactly the opposite of what I wanted to do a couple of years ago. There's nothing wrong with going out and partying, it's just not what I want to do anymore.

I craved attention in high school. I went to the parties and outings so I could be in Snapchats and photos, just so people would know I was there. I hung out with certain groups of people just so I could say I was "friends" with so-and-so who was so very popular. I wanted to be known and I wanted to be cool.

Now, I couldn't care less. I go to the bars or the parties if I really feel like it or if my friends make me feel bad enough for never going anywhere that I finally decide to show up. It's just not my scene anymore and I no longer worry about missing out.

If you could look back at me during my junior year of high school, you probably would've found me searching for the best-ranked party schools and colleges with the best nearby clubs or bars. Now, you can find me eating snacks on the couch on a Friday night watching the parties through other peoples' Snapchats.

Some may say that I'm boring now, and while I agree that my life is a little less adventurous now than it was in high school, I don't regret the lifestyle changes I've made. I feel happier, I feel like a better person, I feel much more complete. I'm not sorry that I've changed since high school and I'm not sorry that I'm not living the typical "college lifestyle." I don't see anything wrong with that life, it's just not what makes me happy and it's not what I want to do anymore.

I've become a different person since high school and I couldn't be happier about it. I have a lot that's contributed to the change, but my boyfriend definitely was the main factor as he showed me that staying in can be a million times better than a night out. My interests and my social cravings have completely transitioned into that of an 80-year-old grandma, but I don't regret it.

Change doesn't have to be a bad thing. In fact, it can bring a lot more happiness and comfort. The transition from high school to college is drastic, but you can also use it as an opportunity to transition from one lifestyle to another. I don't regret the lifestyle flip I made and I couldn't be less apologetic about it.

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