My parents often remind me that when the majority of kids in pre-school were clinging to their mother’s ankle and throwing a temper tantrum out of separation anxiety - I walked through the classroom door and never turned around to say goodbye.
Goodbyes aren’t my thing. I’ve never been able to grasp the concept of letting go. For me, to lose something I care so deeply for makes me sick to my stomach. Sometimes the feeling where you feel as though your world is crashing down hits right away, while other times it takes days, months, or even years for it sink into your soul and realize that your life is not the same.
I stepped foot into my childhood home after my first year of college and realized that change was coming for me. As I looked at the cardboard boxes, trash bags and newspaper that lay around my worn in home I understood that this would be the last time to say goodbye.
We were moving.
The childhood home that had built me was no longer my home - but an empty house on the market for the next family to move into.
It broke my heart to sleep in my bed, see the height marks on my closet door and look at the stickers stuck to the pink walls of my bedroom. I felt uncomfortable, unwelcomed and saddened to know that this would be my farewell before leaving for my summer job.
I couldn’t grasp it.
So I did what any angry, upset college student did when they found out their parents were moving- I shut down. I told my parents that I didn’t want old memories, dressers and bookshelves. I wanted it all gone. Not because I didn’t actually want it- but because I couldn’t bear the thought of letting go.
I couldn’t let go of my home, the friends who came over, the dinners we made, the fights we had, the compliments that my "house looked like a home" with the lacrosse sticks on the dining room table and theater props on the stairs. All of that was taken away and I still wasn’t able to say goodbye.
One year later, and I wish I could say I let go but I haven’t. I can only re-live the moments in my mind and in my heart.
Nobody said growing up was easy or change was desirable. But sometimes you “leave home, you move on and do the best you can.”
I did the best I could, picked myself up and moved on with my reality. As I sit in my new living room with the same mattress I slept on for so many years - a new wave of emotion settles into my skin.
Don’t ever forget to say goodbye, no matter how difficult it may seem. Whether it’s your loved one, an ex, or just a place in time, you truly never know how much time you’ll have left before you see it again. So thank you, Childhood home- for being the house that built me.
