A month ago, one of my best friends moved twelve hours away from home to university. She lamented about her experience of homesickness and the loneliness she felt, despite living in a place where she felt nothing but at home with all of the individuals around her. I told her it was only temporary, that she needed to be patient with her feelings in that they required time for her to be able to begin to feel at home there in spite of the distance she was truly from home. She thanked me for the encouragement I gave her, and she is now thriving so much more than before.

A month later, here I am, I moved four hours away from home for university and here I am, experiencing the same feelings. The immense homesickness and the loneliness I feel nearly consumes me. I love the experience I am having here at university, but a part of me feels lost, whether or not this is where I am meant to be. I feel lost among all of the other individuals around me with many new friends, all the experiences they are having, the laughter and smiles, and all of the pictures across social media about how much happier they are to be away from home. They lament about the fact that they are now at home, but to me, it does not feel that way at all.

I cannot even accept the encouragement I gave not even a month earlier, that it's only temporary, I need to be patient with my feelings and it all required time for me to begin to feel at home. I cannot accept this because it does not feel like the truth, though I said it was true.

I feel nothing but not at home here, and I cannot even allow myself to begin to feel at home here.

I do not know how I am supposed to feel. I feel nothing but this constant numbing ache inside and all I want to do is let it go. But, I do not want to allow this to hold me back, but I feel nothing more than empty at this point and this numbing ache is the only source of comfort that I have left within me.

The only attempt of relief I have is to cry and cry and cry, again and again, and again until there is nothing left.

I feel so torn, do I stay here at university or do I leave it all behind and go home? Is there a right decision to make? Or is there a wrong decision to make? My mind is so torn and I am so anxious over the thought of both staying and leaving.

I do not know if I will ever feel at home in university, but for now, all I can do is push aside my feelings and fears that I have about being here and lament to others about how I call this my new home- even if it is the furthest from the truth.