Do you play Pokémon Go? Of course you do. You're an American. You're on the Internet. You're being bombarded by meme, team-angst, and peer pressure. Unless your phone sucks or your sense of FOMO is non-existent, then I'm going to assume you've cracked and downloaded this app whether you're a Pokémon fan or not. Once you reach level five and want to fight in a gym, you have to pick a team. Here's where it gets real.

A (Quick) Guide to the Teams

There are three teams: Instinct (Yellow), Mystic (Blue), and Valor (Red). They each have their own missions, research, and mascots. Each team leader is an assistant to Professor Willow. The Professor is your guide and tip-giver throughout the mobile game. In the beginning, he gives a tutorial for new players and whenever something new happens, he pops up again. You can also transfer your Pokémon to him for that particular Pokémon's candy, which can be used to evolve or power-up your Pokémon.

Instinct (Yellow) Team

Mission: Trusting your own and your Pokémon's instincts.

Research: Focused on Pokémon's intuition; believes intuition is involved in how Pokémon are hatched.

Mascot: Zapdos

Mystic (Blue) Team

Mission: Approaching life with calm and leveled analysis.

Research: Focused on Pokémon evolution.

Mascot: Articuno

Valor (Red) Team

Mission: True strength lies in a Pokémon's nature.
Research: Focused on enhancing Pokémon's natural power to find true strength.

Mascot: Moltres

These teams each have different thought processes for how to view Pokémon. Some people take these ideas into account. Some just choose whatever team their friends are on. Others (like me) are dumb, only listen to a BuzzFeed quiz, and then find out that a bunch of their friends are in a different team.

But it's too late, past self. You're loyal to your team and there's no going back.

It's a little like the Hogwarts Houses

When Hogwarts Met Pokemon Go

In Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, the process is a lot different from the Pokémon Go team selection process. At Hogwarts, you get a magical talking hat put on your head when you are 11 years old and it reads your thoughts and heart to place you in your Hogwarts house. (Or you take the Pottermore quiz.)

In Pokémon Go, once you reach level five, you can pick whatever team you want. However, once you choose, you cannot change teams. These are not arbitrary choices, however. This is real life. To its players, this game is no joke and many take on the personalities of their teams. The fight lives on in the real world, echoing a rivalry to keep the Pokémon world eternal, even off the phone.

I've compiled these personalities from both interacting with team members and researching the many memes and online shade-throwing fights on social media. From that, I have determined the Hogwarts houses that these members might be in or might resemble. Your Hogwarts house might not correlate with your Pokémon Go team. This might be because these houses and teams groupings are determined from stereotypes

Team Instinct

Team Instinct is a sweet group of trainers who just want everyone to get along and play fair. They are honest, fair, and a little sparse in numbers. However, they are brave and true to their word. These players are the mediators between the two fighting babies, Valor and Mystic; however, Instincts are not often noticed.

But do not be fooled. They will steal that gym right out from under you in a flash. Their mascot doesn't resemble a bolt of lightning for nothing. They're fair and sweet, but not stupid.

Just like Helga Hufflepuff, Instinct members value patience, determination, kindness, and fair play. And like Godric Gryffindor, these trainers are also the bravest and most chivalrous people you'll ever meet!

For my Instinct-affiliated Hogwarts fans, remember with pride the Sorting hat's rhymes for your true Hogwarts Houses!

You might belong in Hufflepuff,
Where they are just and loyal,
Those patient Hufflepuffs are true,
And unafraid of toil.

You might belong in Gryffindor,
Where dwell the brave at heart,
Their daring, nerve, and chivalry
Set Gryffindors apart!

Team Mystic

Team Mystic is calm, intelligent, sneaky, and powerful. They believe that science and clean observation will win out in the end. They're probably the equivalent to that classic anime nerd pushing up his glasses to catch the light and the glint off the lenses reflects his mischievous personality. While they may be wise, they are also relentless and cunning. They are so cool that they can be downright intimidating, so watch out! The biggest beef in this game seems to be Red vs. Blue, and Mystics are savage.)

For these reasons, I paired this team up with Slytherin and Ravenclaw. Just as Salazar Slytherin believed that resourcefulness and ambition, so do these cunning and slick Mystics! Rowena Ravenclaw would be proud to see this A+ team of scholarly, wit-filled, delightful trainers!

For those Mystic-loving Hogwarts fans, here are the Sorting Hat's rhymes for your respective houses!

Or perhaps in Slytherin,
You'll make your real friends,
Those cunning folk use any means,
To achieve their ends.

Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw,
If you've a ready mind,
Where those of wit and learning,
Will always find their kind!

Team Valor

Finally we come to Valor, and their houses-pair might perplex, but it is no mistake. This is a team true Pokémon masters who train like savage beasts. They bond with their Pokémon, they train their Pokémon, they connect with their Pokémon -- heck, they might even want to be a Pokémon. These strong and relentless trainers are true fiery legends who will stop at nothing to take over the gyms.

Just like Gryffindors, these trainers are brave and true. They value strength and chivalry, but there's a little bit of relentless ambition as well. For that we see their Slytherin side emerge. They are cunning and maybe a little crazy, but the good kind. Mystics might disagree, however.

As you Valors fly off into a fiery ring of death with reckless abandon, remember the Sorting Hat's wise words about your Hogwarts houses:

You might belong in Gryffindor,
Where dwell the brave at heart,
Their daring, nerve, and chivalry
Set Gryffindors apart.

Or perhaps in Slytherin
You'll make your real friends,
Those cunning folks use any means,
To achieve their ends.

These are my findings. It was a tough job, but I think I pinned these Pokémon Go teams done. Just picture the Hogwarts chaos if Pokémon Go were ever to be a thing in the castle. Think of the chaos! If we thought the house rivalries were bad -- just imagine where the gyms would be and the kind of battles that would ensue! No matter which team you're on or house you're in, you have to admit one thing:

The Harry Potter world combined with the Pokémon one would be epic.