Ah, the elusive subculture of hipsters. "Katie, what do you mean by elusive? I see hipsters everywhere I go!" I know, stranger who is addressing me by first name. It's relatively impossible to get coffee (at any place that isn't Starbucks) or buy a used book these days without stumbling upon a ragtag group of suspended, judgmental young adults making jokes about "Seinfeld" or T.S. Eliot. Hipsters, known for their biting critiques of the "mainstream," can be intimidating to those who would like to join the ranks of this pretentious coterie. If this accurately describes you, let me help. "But Katie, you're not a hipster! Why should I trust you?" I can't tell you how I know the secrets of hipster society. All you can do is trust me.
1. Obtain nerd glasses
"But Katie, I don't wear glasses." Correction, you didn't wear glasses. Now, you do. To be accepted by hipsters, you must look like a hipster. Hipsters wear nerd glasses. Get over it.
2. Shop at Goodwill
It could be Goodwill, it could be another thrift store, it could be your grandparent's closet. Either way, get vintage clothes for a cheap price. Did you find an original Nirvana t-shirt from 1990? Perfect. Did you ask for your grandfather's suspenders from 1945? Perfect. Did you buy an ugly, vintage sweater? I think you get the idea: Older is better.
3. Refuse the claim that you are a hipster
Once people see that you dress like a hipster, they will start asking questions. A true hipster will never admit that they are, in fact, a hipster. "Why is that, Katie?" I have no idea. Maybe they take a secret oath not to reveal their true identity. Maybe it's like a vintage music-loving fight club and the first rule is Don't talk about the hipster subculture. I don't know. I just know that it is a way to tell if someone is a hipster or pretending to be a hipster.
4. Listen to obscure Music
"You've probably never heard of them before." If you can't say this, then you aren't a hipster. Start with bands like Florence + the Machine or the Little Green Cars. Move into jazz or obscure, French-alternative indie. Even better, make your own band. "But Katie, I don't play any instruments!"
5. Learn to play an obscure instrument
Learn to. Hipsters are known for the odd assortment of instruments that they can play. Start with the ukulele, move onto the mandolin, move onto the harmonica or the accordion, and end with the flugelhorn. "What the heck is a flugel?" Exactly, you mainstream bohemian-wanna-be. Exactly.
6. Start studying the liberal arts
Hipsters love the liberal arts. If you mention Ernest Hemingway's writing style, comment on Marquis' art, or recite Walt Whitman, you will successfully trap a hipster into a conversation. Be sure you know your stuff, though. Hipsters are like bloodhounds; they smell fear and inadequate knowledge. You don't want to be on the receiving end of a witty hipster insult.
7. Become a vegetarian hippie
Grow your own food. Don't eat meat. Make your own soap. Don't shave. Rarely bathe. And whatever you do, never, I repeat, NEVER, shop at Walmart.
8. Fight for an obscure cause
Save the whales! Protect the environment. Save the kakapo! Protect the echidna! Stop animal testing! Stop ocean acidification! Stop avian obstacle collisions! Find an obscure problem and swear to fix it. Protest at random buildings, hand out fliers, and raise money for your cause. The weirder, the better.
9. Grow dreadlocks, a beard, or get some other ridiculous haircut
Burly, male hipsters draw much of their inspiration from artistic lumberjacks. Flannel, beards, beanies, and flapjacks are a go-to for aspiring male hipsters. Dreadlocks are an option for both guys and girls. Other hipster haircuts include the "half-shaved head," the ever popular man-bun, and colorful hair for women (try the silver or the rainbow look).
10. Get a Polaroid camera
Take a millions pictures of nothing. Pretend to have an aesthetic. Tag on a loquacious quote from "someone that you probably haven't heard of." "What if the quote has nothing to do with my picture, Katie?" That's the whole point. Keep 'em wondering what existentialism has to do with your Oxford shoes on a rainy day. Hipsters will find an explanation. And they will love your photography, claiming it to be revolutionary and against the culture. When this happens, it means that you are finally ready.
11. Move to a den of hipsters
San Francisco, Seattle, Iceland (no, seriously, there are so many hipsters there). This will increase your chances of running into a hipster that will accept you. Just find a small coffee shop and wait.
12. Find others like you
It won't take long. Hipsters love acoustic music, macaroons, and coffee. It will be inevitable.
13. Congratulations
You have successfully infiltrated the hipster subculture.
You're welcome, you beautiful, little, free-spirited beatnik. You're welcome.
