Though normally, I try to remain objective in my articles, the GOP has finally done me in; as such, I'd like to share some of my favorite memories regarding each of the remaining GOP presidential hopefuls. Now, to be honest, my political ideology is moderate and, in theory, I am economically right-leaning, but given the Republican Party's current state, I adamantly support both Democratic candidates unwaveringly and don't like to even think of the nation's future if the White House goes "red" on election day. So with this disclaimer in mind, I give you the 2016 Republican candidates in their brightest moments on the campaign trail.
1. Ted Cruz
Candidates need to focus less on Political Correctness... so NO gluten-free meals for you, celiacs.
So you thought this was a joke? Well, laugh no more, because Cruz was 100 percent serious when he deemed gluten-free meals an outcome of what he views as overly sensitive rhetoric. Why he decided that this was an issue to address in the slightest is unknown, but in the same speech, he argued, "It is time for America to once again prioritize a strong, advanced, and robust military." Well good to know that all those whose bodies cannot process gluten were fakers all along; better start putting peanuts into every MRE too to prove that all those nut allergies are just as "fake." After all, nothing says powerful military more than dozens of troops holding their stomachs.
2. Jeb Bush
Given what we know now....well, that's the same as not knowing what we know now!
Remember when Jeb Bush was predicted to be the GOP candidate to beat? He was the figure of stability and rationality, and yet, apparently his University of Texas education failed to teach him the meaning of "hypothetical." When asked if, having the retrospective knowledge that we do with regards to the crisis in the Middle East, he still would have invaded Iraq in 2003, Bush confidently responded, "I would have..." Though the next day, Bush clarified that he had misunderstood the question, it was in no way asked in a convoluted manner in the first place, which makes you question his ability to address much more challenging issues in the moment. Poor guy. Not only is he marred by his brother's less than pristine administration, but he also just shot himself in the foot, somehow without a loaded gun.
3. Ben Carson
Choosing the slogan, "I was trying to kill someone."
I'm not sure whether this scenario is more like that of the Hulk or of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, but either way, Ben Carson has two pasts and they simply do not fit together. In his autobiography, Carson describes his attack on a peer that occurred when he was just a 14-year-old high school freshman as a result of "a pathological temper...I was trying to kill someone." All this violence for a broken pair of glasses; talk about unleashing the hulk from the gangly preteen. Making inherent rage a part of his being raises questions itself, but now voters have to factor in a possible compulsivity to lie. That's right, folks, former classmates of this rebel youth fail to remember any of his violent ways... none. To some extent, I can see his desire to claim the dangerous-to-dignified storyline, but if you're going to openly describe your onetime desire to kill someone, make sure you have the story straight. Perhaps Ben Carson read too many Marvel comics and got fantasy confused with reality... it would explain why he wanted his glasses so badly.
4. Marco Rubio
Get ready for this one, America...It's all Barack Obama's fault.
While the rest of the world places bets on how many times he will throw President Obama under the bus, Marco Rubio is pretty sure that he is making an earth-shattering revelation that no other Republican has ever made before every time he speaks. Too bad the youngest candidate couldn't outsmart his rival Chris Christie who declared this repetition of Rubio's debate remarks to be the result of "the 25-second speech that is exactly what his advisors gave him." I just don't know who to blame here: the advisors who thought no one would notice the redundancy, Rubio for actually repeating the same thing, or Chris Christie for not catching on until now. But regardless, Rubio countered Christie bitingly claiming, "Let's dispel with this fiction that Barack Obama..." Never mind, he just repeated his same speech again...
5. John Kasich
You're not alone if you thought John Kasich already dropped out of the race; maybe you even thought he wasn't in the past several GOP debates either....but he was. The truth is, in a pool of Presidential hopefuls who make headlines every other day thanks to their wild ideas, Kasich just isn't newsworthy. So though he hasn't had any major blunders yet, perhaps, ironically, that is his biggest blunder. If Trump was able to climb the polls and hold his lead while offending just about every person in the nation, maybe Kasich needs to up his game of derogatory sayings in order to have any chance of actually winning the GOP nomination.
6. Donald Trump
a.k.a. Mr. 180