Have you ever been surrounded by people but felt completely and totally alone? Have you ever been among the closest friends you have and felt like not one of them understood you? That's a crazy feeling to have. Nonetheless, there you are surrounded by your very best friends and you're smiling and laughing with them, so you're happy right? Except you're not. You have coached yourself on how to plaster on a pretty smile to get you by everyday. That goofy laugh that you have taught yourself and that you hear escaping from your lips doesn't seem like your laugh at all because behind that fake, pretty smile and that goofy laugh lies a broken person whose heart is torn in two. But there you are, acting like you're fine. Again.

You want to scream at these people who you know love you dearly, that you're not okay. You want to grab one of them by the shoulders and scream, "Help me! This isn't me! I'm hurt! Please get me!" But of course you don't do that. Of course you don't tell them about all the scars you have kept hidden, both emotional and physical, for so long. No, instead you reach into your back pocket to get your "go to" cue cards you've been carrying around for years just for occasions like this. These cue cards you've had in your back pocket all these years are worn and tattered but you search them anyway to find the words to say to the people around you so you can seem fine. You have to be fine. You have to be in control. You have to be the funny one in the room. That's who you are. Or at least that's who everyone else thinks you are.

Over the years you have learned how to tough love yourself back to normal. You feel sad one day because of some traumatic event that just occurred in your life and you allow yourself to be sad for a bit. You talk to your friends about this sadness, but then you lock it away. You don't deal with it because you're not supposed to be sad. That's not who everyone expects you to be. So you lock this pain and this sadness away and give yourself this pep-talk of sorts. You say to yourself, "You're fine. Stop your whining. Stop your wallowing. Get up, put on a pretty smile, get out the door and get over it!"

So that's what you do. You don't acknowledge that behind your pretty smile there is this person lurking in the darkness of your mind that you hate. You shuffle through your day and act okay until one day you can't act okay anymore. Everything is not fine and you can't pretend that it is anymore. But you beat yourself up about not being okay. You beat yourself up because there is no reason for you not to be okay. You have everything in the world. How are you not okay? You have no reason to not be okay.

If any of this reminds you of yourself then know this, you're sad right now and that's okay. Accept it. Embrace it. Figure out why you're sad and deal with it in your own way and in your own time. But you have to deal with it. You can't simply push it to the back of your mind anymore. Even if everyone else around you thinks that you're being ridiculous, that's okay. Sometimes you just have to be ridiculous. Because here's the thing, while you're sad right now and while you're dealing with all these emotions you have refused to let yourself feel all this time, you have to know that you won't be sad forever. You won't be a train wreck forever. One day you will be fine again... after you've dealt with what you need to deal with. Only then you'll be fine fine. Legitimately fine that is, and not fake fine. But that day may not be today, tomorrow or next week, and that's okay.

You're growing as a person. You're acknowledging that you're human and that's healthy. So it's okay if you don't really have it all together right now. It's okay if you're not fine right now. It's difficult to feel so out of control because you've always made yourself be in control, but it's okay. Be out of control right now. Be a train wreck. One day you'll look back on these moments of chaos and be thankful for how far you've come and how much you've grown.

Feel what you need to feel, Say what you need to say. Do what you need to do. But don't forget that at some point you have to pick up and go on. Life moves on and you have to move with it. You can't live in sadness and gloom forever. But just for right now, just for this brief second in your life, embrace the sadness and the gloom. Embrace all the emotions and feelings you have. Don't let anyone try to speed up that process. Don't allow yourself to get in your own way with your old tough love habits. Instead of saying to yourself "Hey you, stop your whining" say, "Hey you, you're sad right now and that's okay". Eventually you will be okay again. Everything will be.