Hey mom,
Today was not an easy day. In fact probably one of the worst I have had since you left. I dont know what exactly triggers it but today i woke up with no motivation to do anything and huge whole in my stomach. It just felt like on of those days where nothing was going right and my anxiety was at its peak. Usually when I have those days you were the first person i would call to calm me down. But its different now. I cant just call you anytime the slightest inconvenience happens and it kills me.
I woke up with a lot of anger today. I just felt every little thing bugging me and making me want to rage. Im sure a lot of my anger has to do with the fact that you can not be here with us. I know questioning gods will is wrong i have said it before but again i just simply cannot grasp why he would take a mother of 6 away from her family. You did not deserve to leave this earth the way you did. You deserved so much more. You deserved to live to at least 80 to see all of us have babies of our own and have you spoil your grandchildren. You deserved to see Andrew and Mia graduate. You deserved to see Justin go to grad school. You deserved to see Michael succeed with his career like he has been and to see Kyle buy his first home. You deserved to see me and mia get married and help pick out our wedding dresses. You deserved to celebrate 50 years of marriage with dad.The truth is we all deserved so much more.
Usually when i write to you i try to be happy and optimistic but today i just want to vent to you. I am angry that we your children did not get to spend the last 3 years of your life with you all because a sick thing called cancer decided to take a huge part in your life. No one will ever understand what it is we as a family had to go through together.Having the only form of communication with your mother being a facetime call is the worst thing in the world. God never seemed to make it easy on us. Always handing you new sicknesses left and right and leaving us with more fear and worry every single day. and before i continue mom, this isn't me bashing God or the church I am a catholic and always will be, but i am allowed to be upset with him sometimes. I just feel that for the last 8 years of my life we never had anything go our way. You see all these families going on vacations with their healthy parents meanwhile ,my vacation was going to Vegas to spend time with you who was battling for her life. I dont even know if i could call it a vacation because usually when you leave a vacation you are happy, tan, and get to tell your friends all about what you did. But when i left Vegas each time it was always guilt that i wouldn't get to see you for a long time. Little did i know that the last time i went was also the last time i would ever get to see you. But that does bring up a point, I am thankful that god let me be with you in your last few days, but why did he choose just me and mia? Did he forget you had 4 other children and a husband at home? It is just things like that i cannot understand.
When i have bad days like this everyone feeds me up with things like "your so strong," "you always have people here for you," or "you will get through this." But i do not hear any of that when it is said to me. Because i really am not that strong. Sure i may act like it to everyone and seem like the happiest person in the world (most of the time) but i'm not. There is only really one thing that could make me happy and we all know what that one thing is. Since you left people have told me that if they need a mom figure i could always go to them, but i simply cant. You were the only person i was ever really comfortable with going to when i had an issue. You were always waiting for that phone call from me at 2 am or instantly replying to my text with a long paragraph trying to explain to me that everything was okay. People can try to be there for me like you were, but it will never compare. You were my best friend. Losing a best friend is easily one of the hardest things that someone has to go through. You have to learn to live without talking to that person everyday or spending time with them. I guess that is what i am doing now which is why i am angry. Or maybe it is just what comes with grief. First you are sad, then you reminisce and then the anger sets in and the constant questioning and wondering what if or why.
Because i was having a bad day today i went out with a friend, i got emotional and the first thing she said to me was you should write tonight, so that is what i am doing. I find peace when i write to you because i know you are listening and i figured that you would want to know how i have been doing and have been feeling lately. I go back to the doctor soon to talk about everything again, i dread it every time because i hate saying the words out loud. Each time i say it, it just sinks in even deeper. I just dont want to believe it. I want to wake up tomorrow from this nightmare and see your face sitting on your corner of the couch with your 4 pillows, blankets, and your food shoved in between the cushions. But i know that it will never happen and that i probably wont see you for a very long time. I guess that is just something i will have to live with... so for now ill just keep writing everyday. I do not care who reads this anyone could but the only person i really want and hope to see this is you mom. I am going to go to bed and pray for better days and for you. Ill pray that you found peace and that you are happy up there and that you are not suffering. Ill pray that you still get to watch your kids grow up. And ill pray that i will get to see you again, whether it is in a dream or in another life, either one would not be so bad.
I love you and miss you more than life momma
sincerely,
your baby girl
xoxoxo
