To all you college students going through the middle-of-the-semester breakdown where dropping out of classes seems to be the best way to get through the hardships of deadlines, papers, and exams: it's going to be okay. Being a junior in college, I still get extremely stressed out about my time management (perhaps because I am not the best at it, or, perhaps, I just have too much going on). Whether you know exactly what you want to do with your life or you have no idea, you will get through this. To all those who need a good cry, a good breakdown moment, it's okay to have that too. I myself have been very stressed out lately, getting no sleep, up all night writing papers, studying, reading. It's all so much. A course load that is much too heavy is scary. But know you are so not alone. I am sorry you feel this way, I do too sometimes. Let's let our hearts out together, have a good cry, feel bad for yourself for a day or so. Here is a poem I wrote to all of those who seem lost, sad, drowning, and need something to feel to:
I feel myself different than I used to.
I work more, try harder, eat less, sleep less, and wake up late more.
I’m not depressed.
I’m not starving myself.
I’m not angry or sad on the inside.
I am stressed out more.
My class load is very heavy.
I am pushing myself harder than I think I am capable of.
I drink more coffee
I shake more
My hands and legs are shaking as I write this.
My stomach is shaking.
I’m going to get dinner with my lover in a few minutes.
My stress has taken a toll on me.
I’m introspectively studying myself intensely this semester due to my classes.
I’m actually learning a lot about myself.
How my childhood years were the most important yet I was taught nothing because daddy didn’t know how.
Mommy was working two jobs.
I love myself. My whole self.
Self-love is not my issue here.
It is my altered state of me that is stressing me out.
I’m very laid back, relaxed, and understanding of what I am capable of.
However, this semester I am pushing myself harder than I know is good for me.
I don’t like the change.
Change is not easy for me.
My mental state of complete zen is altered.
I am grateful for this time of my life and this education that not everyone has the opportunity for.
It is not a breakdown of unhappiness
But a breakdown my innermost self.
A breakdown of what I am not used to.
A break down of my why I am the way I am.
It is a break down of the study of breaking down within myself.
None of this may make much sense to a lot of you. But it’s just a break down.
What defines a breakdown?
The literal breakdown of your most inner person that you never knew, perhaps?
However, don't get too deep into a slump and don't get too comfortable searching in the dark under the water. Because you are the wave to come out from underneath the tide and break at the shoreline that you so need to get to. You will get there. Just keep in mind that you are strong, beautiful, soulful, and will get through this slump. Just as I am right now.
With love,
Monica
