The need for control seemed to consume my every waking thought. The shell of who I had become quivered in fear at the thought of anyone discovering the inconsistencies in my delicately proportioned play. Days were strategically planned out according to snacks, meals, and caloric intake. I was a slave to my weight. Wrongly assuming happiness would come if I lost a little more weight, but no matter how much weight I lost... it was never enough.
I lived in fear. Trapped in a cage of my own construction holding a key but constantly choosing self-destruction. My life was a swirling vortex of loneliness, shame, and fear. I pushed people away left and right attempting to protect myself from others seeing what lived inside. The darkness of my brain shuddered at the thought of revealing light.
Looking back at the terrified girl I used to be it almost seems like night and day. I was constantly consumed by the tangled mess of lies swirling in my head. It was so dark I could barely breathe. At the time I was incredibly angry that I wasn't strong enough to "get over it." I didn't understand why I couldn't be normal around food. And let me tell you, it was a process to get to a place of freedom. An uphill battle for recovery.
I had anorexia for about two years. It started my sophomore year of high school and carried on until senior year. No matter how much weight I lost I thought I needed to lose more. To the point that I had no more weight to lose. I was empty all the time. I'd lost so much weight my body stopped functioning normally. One night I broke down to God and knew that something needed to change, I couldn't keep living the way I was.
Admitting there was something wrong was the most difficult part. After I verbalized the struggle it didn't seem as consuming and terrifying. I was able to assess and figure out a plan to recover. It definitely didn't poof and go away immediately though. It was a major process of seeking help and slowly but surely healing.
I never thought I would share my story publically like this.
Most of the time the days of my eating disorder seem pretty far behind me, though somedays I can feel the panicked tick starting to well up within me. It's in those moments I realize I need to be willing to share. When we speak things it changes the direction of power and sets our mind on a course. If we speak negatively then we respond negatively to the world around us, a complaining mind seeks badness and so finds it.
Thinking and speaking positively works the opposite direction, when we make a conscious effort to be positive and to speak light into our lives it'll start the process of making that change happen. I don't want anyone to ever feel trapped by negative and dark thought patterns because I've been there and it sucks. Don't be afraid to reach out and ask for help. Darkness runs in the presence of light so don't be afraid to shine a light on the darkness you're so afraid of.
There is so much freedom in living in the light. It's worth it. Sidenote, queso is absolutely delicious, and eating it is so much better than being afraid of it. Food is meant to be enjoyed! I was afraid of it for so long I lost touch of that, savor your meal and take tiny steps towards recovery if you're just starting out on the journey. It won't be easy but it's so worth it!
Life is worth living, don't be afraid to live it fully.
