I wish that I could be more outgoing and would stop worrying about how people perceive me but I guess no matter what, my shyness will always get the best of me. I have had a lot of new experiences this year that have made me go back into the shell I once had in high school. I wish I could be more confident in myself but I do not know if that will ever happen. I thought that my shyness would decrease during my college experience but clearly I am still shy, just not as much. As a teacher candidate, I hate how my shyness affects my teaching because I know exactly what I want to say during my lesson but I never fully portray it well because I get afraid of the unknown of what might happen - (the student won't understand the content, I am not performing as well as I know I can, etc.)
I know that my shyness can have an advantage at times - like how I can easily empathize with others because of how sensitive I feel when I do not come out of my shell as often as I would like. However, there are many times in my life that I wish I could be my true self without the fear that I will become vulnerable to someone (friendship or relationship) and I will never be good enough. To most people, I am the kind of person you want to be around because I am always in a good mood. But that does not mean I do not struggle too - I self-doubt a lot of the time and my anxiety does not help with me being shy.
I just hate how my shyness holds me back from many things in my life. I often fear that I will not be the best teacher I can be because I easily trip over my own words. I know the content well, yet I have a long way to go as far as learning HOW to teach something and present it well. I know that as years to come, I will become more comfortable in the classroom and will not be so focused on my own teaching and will concentrate on the student's progress. But as of now, I cannot stop thinking about how I can easily appear unconfident because of my pure and utter shyness. It sucks!
As I have mentioned before in my previous articles, I was always the kind of girl in high school that barely spoke up in class and I only did when I had to or if no one wanted to answer the question and I was comfortable enough about the answer. Otherwise, I did not fit in well due to my shyness. To go from the shy girl in class to becoming the teacher in the classroom is a vast change that not a lot of people understand other than myself. I just hope that someday, I will become the teacher that I envision myself as one day. In the meantime, I am trying so hard to work on becoming less shy and more open with people. I do not think I will ever become "not shy" but maybe I will learn to be more confident in myself as a teacher candidate and an individual.