There comes a time in one's life when personal growth hits a plateau. Where the expansion of who you are and what you can become ceases to approach one another and conjoin. There are few things I distaste more than stagnation. There are few things that I dislike more than remaining the same or sticking to a routine. I hit these plateaus personally, spiritually, academically, and financially all the time. Before I begin I want to note that self- deprecation isn't synonymous with self-hate. In fact, it is self-love that makes it so that I can so freely open my chest in the following article so that you can examine the contents of my being. It is self-love that has allowed me to look into my chest and look at the growing cobwebs, faulty levers, and rusting machinery that is my heart, emotional intelligence, and grit. Fortunately, it is those around me who have acted as the markers of my shortcomings by effortlessly embodying the polished qualities I want to mirror.

Before I met my friend Kafui I thought I was kind. I thought I was selfless and that I didn't have a brash bone in my body. She has taught me humility. I marvel at her kindness sometimes, at her tenderness. She possesses the kind of heart I have arrogantly for years allowed myself to believe I have simply by not even thinking about it. It is first nature to her, she doesn't see it as extraordinary or noble, she is love so she does love. There are people you will meet in this life that will make you question why you ever thought you had completed the process of becoming the best version of yourself and that is what she is to me. If I could look into her chest at her heart, at the machinery of her essence, I’m sure it would put the contents of my own to shame. Ergo, I notice more often how selfish I can often be. Sometimes I hesitate to give others my last, sometimes I’m quick to anger, I am stubborn, I can hold grudges for 5 seconds longer than I need to, and I am only kind to those who don't give me a reason not be kind. Sometimes I am fiery about people, things, and events. When I’m in a passionate, fiery, frenzy, I decide people aren’t deserving of kindness and I waste no time in being confrontational with little regard for preserving their dignity.

I pride myself on delivery and the belief that all that truly matters is how you say what you say or how you handle conflict but in reality, I often use it as a cop out. I catch myself delivering nuclear bombs in nicely wrapped packages with a smile on my face as it acts as suppression to the oncoming destruction. Most of what she is and does she will tell you herself is direction from God.

And so really she is better at taking direction from God. Allah tells us to be kind, to be patient, to be selfless, to be slow to anger, to be quick to forgiveness. That these are all signs of a good heart as well as treatment for a darkening one. I should’ve paid more attention. I should have listened. God is Almighty and so it is never too late to start listening and open my heart.

Before I met my friend Charde, I thought myself to be intelligent and mature but never patient. She has taught me that intelligence isn’t an infinite supply of knowledge and wisdom one simply possesses. It takes time, experiences and questions. She has taught me that asking questions and listening for answers is the difference between getting it right the first time and having to repeat the process all over again. I do not like asking questions. Simply because anything that requires me to ask questions already means I have to listen to understand. I am not the best listener I have learned. I like to just know. It’s weird. I think that is part of why school has always been so hard for me and studying is a challenge. The unrealistic expectation for knowledge and wisdom to simply enter my stream of consciousness without any real work. I am a rusher. I rush processes, I rush transitions, I rush everything. I am impatient. I've watched her tackle obstacles and tasks simply by listening carefully, taking the time to execute properly and being efficient. She rarely Jumps into things without figuring out its full scope.

These are things I am learning I need to work to become better at. It is hard. Impatience is all I have ever known. I come from a place where everything is speeding at the rate of light. A place where everything is too loud and cluttered to hear anything and so you tune out. You stop listening. You start doing in hopes that somewhere along the way you’ll figure it out. I don't think I like that way of doing things anymore. I think I might dump it.

Charde has taught me that self-restraint is a reservoir that no matter how difficult to find and fetch from at times is truly is an invaluable necessity. She displays it on both large and small scales when necessary. From watching her I have learned that in comparison I often revel in my extreme emotions hindering my mobility past momentary life occurrences. I have learned that I often times talk over others, I don't give people opportunities to finish their thoughts because I am always thinking out loud. Or thinking and verbalizing simultaneously. I have problems with pacing myself in all areas of my life and letting hiccups be hiccups.

At my worst, I can be everything from lazy to a coward. I have learned that I possess a subtle yet equivalently ruinous form of cowardice that gives way to laziness. I might be passionate about a lot of things but when it comes to my growth and endeavors I am afraid passion won't be enough. I am afraid to be wrong, to fall short, and most of all to not find purpose and fulfillment in the things that I am so very passionate about. So I have delayed writing this article for two months because I wasn’t sure anyone was listening anymore and I’m sensitive about my shit. I have delayed starting my media platform I swore I would start last August. I have delayed the process of beginning my documentary. All things I am passionate about but I am afraid will flop and fail. That is laziness. That is cowardice. I count myself out before I even get my feet wet and then I ask myself "why shit hasn’t started falling into place for me already?". It is arrogance that assumes tomorrow is a good day to start because it is arrogance that assumes tomorrow will come just as yesterday did. I am exercising humility from this exposè on out. While I am not as polished as I thought I was, it is self-awareness and self-love that bridges the gap between who I am and who I will become.