It's that time of the year, boys and girls. That magical, Hallmark-y time when middle-aged white women beat the living piss out of each other over a 25% off iPhone deal. The time of the year when both Protestants and Catholics can cease their battling and come together in peaceful harmony to kick the crap out of other faiths. You can smell it in the air, folks: the scent of gingerbread and freshly-baked cookies dancing with snowflakes on a cold winter's night, while your basement-ridden prisoners plead from their cages to "see their families" and implore you for "mercy." Ah, don't we all just love the holidays?
But there's an unfortunate downside to the holiday cheer: spending time with the family. Yeah, sure, love and kinship is wonderful if you're into that sort of thing, but when you're actually around the tree opening presents and making merry, there's always that one relative who buys you clothes and expects you to fall head-over-heels for another freaking sweater vest. Or whatever kids wear these days. So, be it grandma or aunt, cousin or uncle, this guide will help you learn just how to get the message through that clothes are for lame-o's and that'd you'd take a nice freakin' load of cash over familial bonds and love any day.
1. Distance yourself from all loved ones
This is the most obvious step. The whole reason why relatives get you clothes for Christmas is because of the so-called bond between family *shudders*. The way these people see it, you'll love them no matter what gift you get, because in their twisted minds, Christmas is all about...family *shuddering intensifies*. This is a dangerous and counteractive idea that will set your amount of presents far behind, so by cutting off all feelings of love and respect towards your close family, there will be no excuse to argue that love will overcome the need for material wealth. There are plenty of ways to drive a wedge between you and your "loved ones." In the case of most elderly relatives, you can try saying that not all Hispanic immigrants came here illegally. In dire cases of affection, try to argue that America was not, in fact, founded as a Christian nation. Sure, you may get written out of the will, but now you're less likely to get another goddamn sweater from stinky ol' Aunt Bobbi. "Oh but it looks nice on you, sweetheart, you know that I love yo-" Yeah, save the excuses for somebody else, grammy.
2.Cut off all religious ties
Faith is, well, a useful tool. You can inspire hundreds, nay, thousands, to carry out your will in the name of a figure that may or may not actually be there. Want some territory from a foreign country? Tell 'em their God sucks. Political rival got you feeling down? Tell the people he hasn't prayed in weeks. The list goes on, y'all, but I'm not trying to start the next Crusade here (at least, not yet), so we have to actually abandon faith right now. It has occurred to me that the people who give you shitty presents for Christmas are also the ones who think that it has something to do with that magical baby that can bring people back from the brink of death. If you associate yourself with such beliefs, you are only buying deeper into these heretical ideas that Christmas is not about presents. Stop going to church with family: tell them you're sick, or that you've been exposed to Agent Orange or something. Your lack of faith shall...disturb them.
3. Grow old and die in a pool of money
Congratulations! Your lack of faith, in conjunction with removing yourself from the family equation, has provided you with the means of growing old and accumulating all of that nice, hard, not-denim Christmas cash that you've been waiting for for like, I dunno, 18 years? Sure, you'll go mad with power and scream at the walls like some Norman Osbourne-type tantrum, but at least you won't have to go through it in another damn sweater.
*This is a work of satire. If your small brain got offended by any of the jokes or comments made in this piece, then I humbly invite you to take your business elsewhere, likely someplace where everybody is a socialist and the government controls everything. That's like, a millennial's dream, right?
