Dear The One Who Was Never Worth It,

Hi there, remember me? It’s just the person that you almost completely destroyed, broke down and made feel like the most worthless person ever. You might have forgotten about us by now—but I haven’t.

I wanted to thank you for all the sleepless nights, all the times I looked in the mirror and wondered why I just wasn’t enough for you and all the people that came my way that I didn’t give a chance to because I felt that it wouldn’t the same.

I wanted to let you know that no one has ever made me feel so miserable and so unlovable. I stayed up until 4 am and overthought about all the scenarios—was it something I said? Was it something I did… or didn’t do? If I had done something differently, would that have been good enough for you? I couldn’t wrap my head around why I just wasn’t enough and why you couldn’t stay around any longer.

I want to wish you the worst. I wanted you to pay for all the pain you’ve caused me. I prayed you would get a flat tire on your way home from a long day at work. I hoped you’d get your heart broken just as bad as you did to mine. I wanted to sabotage every future relationship you’d have. Even though I wanted to wish the worst for you and keep my fingers crossed that karma would pay you a visit—I couldn’t.

I realized that wasting my time on hoping you’d get what I felt that you deserved was only hurting me even more. I didn’t really want horrible things to happen to you—I missed you, I was confused by you and I was being selfish. I was angry and felt completely rejected. I realized that I was acting just like you and trust me, you’re somebody I would never aspire to be.

All the nights of way too many Patron shots, the nights of kissing strangers, the nights of crying in bed because it hurt too much to get up all made me realize that I deserved more. I deserved someone who really cared, really loved me would never want me to feel this worthless and pathetic. And that’s when I woke up from my broken-hearted coma and I realized it was time to be me again.

I started doing things I loved again, I worked out—hard, I started eating right again and drinking less. I began to look in the mirror and love every part of me that you didn’t. I exchanged the shots for hours of studying and made the Dean’s List. I started loving myself again.

I erased you. I deleted our pictures, texts and anything that reminded me of you. Out of sight means out of mind, right? Well it wasn’t that easy in the beginning. I felt haunted by you—little things would remind me of us and what I thought we had. I found myself hating songs that I used to love because they reminded me of you. I saw people that we used to hang out with and they would ask how I was doing, I was strong, I wouldn’t show anyone how much I was still stressing you.

But eventually, people stopped asking, those songs stopped playing and I was too occupied with my own life to be worried about what you were doing with yours. I realized that once I stopped lurking on your social media, once I stopped looking through old texts and once I focused on myself, for once, that I was over you.

I don’t hate you and I don’t really wish you the worst. I actually wish nothing but the best for you; I do, however, hope that someday you’ll get a taste of your own bad medicine—maybe it’ll teach you to stop running around breaking hearts. Looking back, I realized that I was just a trophy, collecting dust in your closet, but someday, I’ll be a collector’s item for someone, placed on a pedestal—one you never imagined for me.

You taught me that self-love was way more important than yours ever was. You taught me to appreciate loyalty when it’s expressed and you taught me that there wasn’t really something “wrong” with me, I’m not unlovable—you are. And for that, I feel bad for you.

I won’t ask you for anything serious, but promise me this-- when you’re lonely and the party’s over—don’t crawl back, I’m all set. When you notice how happy I am, all the goals I’ve finally achieved now that you’re not there to hold me back—don’t call, don’t congratulate me but feel free to watch from afar.

When you realize that you made a mistake—learn from it, don’t hurt the next best thing to happen to you, appreciate them this time. When your trophies realize how much of a jerk you are—let them go, stop keeping people around when you’re the one who’s insecure and unhappy with yourself, let your trophies find someone who really appreciates them and cares. When you notice that I’m finally moved on and content with where I am in life—stay away, be happy that you didn’t destroy like I once thought you could.

Oh, and when you’re all alone, with no one there for you—I hope you’ll think of me. I hope you’ll reflect on all our memories, all the times you didn’t appreciate me, all the times you lied and realize that’s why you lost it all—a best friend and a lover.

Even though you almost broke me, you made my liver quiver with every shot of whiskey I took hoping to forget you and the sound of your name made my heart ache for weeks, I still hope that you’ll be capable of loving yourself and hopefully someday—capable of loving someone else. Everyone deserves happiness, even you. Because of losing you and almost losing my mind in the process, I found happiness and love for myself that was once lost.

Hugs and Kisses xo,

The One You Almost Broke