A year ago, I was crying in my bed listening to sad songs, scared that I had made the worst decision of my life. I thought that I was never going to fall in love ever again and that there would never be someone like him in my life. I felt lonely although I was surrounded by supportive friends. I knew I deserved better, I knew it so deep in my brain.

However, because I was so scared no one would ever love me again, I dealt with his trust issues, his commitment issues, and feeling as if I was second place to every girl in his life. I dealt with his disrespect and wishy-washy feelings about me because I thought I couldn't live without him. A year later, and I fell in love again; with myself.

I was a young girl about to go on the biggest journey on her life, and without him, I felt like I was missing a part of me. All the puzzle pieces began to come together for me, and before, I was just looking for pieces to put together. I didn't need him at all. I wanted better for myself and for my future.

I'm not saying it's easy to cut off someone important to you. It definitely wasn't for me. I vividly remember getting in the car before heading off to college and looking at his face one last time through the window, thinking I was making the wrong decision, that I should have never broken up with him.

But history doesn't trump treatment. The way I got treated during the final weeks of our relationship was like I was a pawn in his little game. Even after we broke up, he still strung me along like a puppet. Looking back, I should've seen the warning signs, but I didn't. I was young and naive. I didn't care about any red flags if it meant I was still with him. I didn't realize that my happiness was a factor in that relationship, and that was a major problem.

For eight months after that breakup, I tortured myself days in and days out, texting him and treating him as if he was my top priority. I wish I had never done that, because within a month after our breakup, he got another girlfriend. At that point, it felt like I had been smashed in the heart with a sledgehammer.

He made no remarks towards me, and just let me "chase him" for a good month before I tried cutting him off the first time. But as time went on, I kept letting him back in, and then blocking him again, and letting him back in. It was a constant pattern of heavy talking and then an eerie silence. I even went so far as to call him my "friend." He regarded me as his friend also, but I think he always knew I still loved him. He just loved the feeling of having me wrapped around his finger.

It finally reached a breaking point when I realized he trumped every decision I made. I still talked to him frequently, knowing I still cared, and refused to speak to any other boys in case he finally decided he wanted me. It was toxic and painful and nearly tore up my freshman year. I knew I didn't need to torture myself like this.

Without realizing, I came to a point where I just stopped caring. It wasn't overnight, it wasn't simple. But, time heals everything. In my own way, I received closure on my terms. I didn't need to speak to him to validate my own feelings. He wasn't someone I wanted to be with anymore, and he had changed so much to the point where it made me sick to my stomach.

Even looking back at old pictures, I started to feel nothing. I found it possible to talk to other boys, and even have a few crushes towards the end of my freshman year.

I'm proud to say I have found the person I want to be. It wasn't about getting a revenge body, upgrading to a better boyfriend or being the best ex he ever had. I needed to feel good again after feeling the second place for so long. If I hadn't realized who he was a while ago, I probably would've been stuck in the same phase forever.

I think I needed to see that he wasn't this angel I had painted in my head. I needed to see that the way he used to look at me wasn't the way he looks at me now. So, I became my best self. I started working out, doing things I loved for people I love, and making plans for myself. I don't have anything left of him, not a single picture, sweatshirt, or text message. We do speak on occasions, but it's nothing special and has truly become just a memory.

I remember writing an article titled "A Letter To My First Love" in October. Looking back, I painted him as a picture perfect person. But that's just not the truth. To be real, he's not my soulmate or someone I could ever love again, and letting myself be free from him was the best decision I ever made. I wish the best for him in his future, but I want no part in it. Maybe it took me longer than the average person, but I made it, and that's all I care about.

To the girls wondering if they'll ever get through it: you will. It's not an easy road, but the end is worth it. You got this.