It is so great to live in the south. I am a Midwesterner at heart, Go Cubs, but I live in the south. The transition from a northern mentality to understanding the southern ways has been tough, but I do say that it has worked to my advantage—I mean, I can go from a Midwestern accent to a southern drawl really quick. Needless to say, you pick up a thing or two when it comes to a confrontation.
For those of you who don’t know, if you live in the north and someone doesn’t like you, they will tell you to your face.
“Hey, do you have a problem with me?”
“Um… yeah, you are a Sox fan and I am a Cubs fan. This relationship will never work. Bye.”
Whereas if you lived in the south, people are not as gutsy. In fact, you won’t find out that someone doesn’t like you until you are at a high school reunion ten years later or at your Uncle’s barbecue two years down the road. The point is, southerners don’t tell you. But what they can do is insult you without you ever knowing.
Let’s say that you are at a lunch-in with some of your girl-friends drinking the typical sweet tea and eating the typical pulled pork sandwich. You tell them you are having a tough day at your job and are contemplating on what you should do next. When there are no words to say, all you hear is “Bless your heart.” While you may find it as a compliment, they just insulted you by calling you an idiot. If you’re reading this as a visitor to the south, I am sorry for the wakeup call, but welcome to the south.
Some of the southerners may speak funny, but the insults just keep getting better and better.
When someone tells you that you are "All hat and no cattle," you better run the other way. That pretty much means that you are saying is all talk, but you have nothing to back you up in the argument. Don't you wish you actually had cattle?
Want something even better? If you are having a heated confrontation with someone and you start to panic a little bit, you might here something like, "My gosh, you are acting like a cat on a hot tin roof!" No, that does not mean you are a little feline. But it does mean that you are so hot and flustered, anxious and unsettling that you act as if every step you make you just have to jump all over. Just like that debate you just lost with your friend.
Now I don't talk like this, but when I was in college I heard the funniest saying from a girl in my english class. We were all walking to our class and got stuck walking behind a group of freshman, you know how they block the entire hallway because they think they run the place? Well, she shook her head and said, "Oh my gosh, these people are moving slower than molasses going uphill in winter." I busted out laughing because one, the girls looked behind us feeling insulted, and two, I had no idea what she just said. Molasses is a dark brown syrup used in baking, and if you ever put a spoonful into a bowl it takes FOREVER to get into the bowl...for...ever. Now imagine someone moving that slow going uphill in the snow. Remember that old saying, "I traveled both ways to and from school, barefoot, uphill." Yeah... now it makes sense.
As an outsider living in the south, I have seen it all. I have seen the genuine touch of the south, I have seen the southern charm work its magic, and I full enjoy watching the look on people’s faces when someone says, “Bless your heart.” To describe it, it is as if the person just got a compliment on their new shirt, but then turn around and go, “Wait, what did she just say?” Yep, the south is great. Although we may say some weird slang in a funny accent, like “I’ll be there faster than two whips of a goats tail,” we are full of brains—we just don’t sound like it. The southern charm is a classic touch, but don’t let it fool you.
Isn’t that right, southerners? Together, let’s raise our mason jars filled with sweet tea up high (I prefer RC Cola), pinkies out and take a sip. After all, we will be praying for ya’ll.
