Today I want to talk about weight, or rather, how your weight is arbitrary and in now way defines you OR your level of health. In January, I set my New Year's Resolution. I promised myself I was going to lose the weight (the freshman 15, the sophomore 30, the fall of junior year was the worst four months of my life 10) and keep it off. I’d lost weight before, through crash diets and crazy exercise regimes, but it always seemed to sneak back on. As you can see from the pictures, obviously I did something right this time. I look better, I feel better, I’m healthier, I can run three miles again. But here’s the secret: I didn’t actually lose that much weight. All in all, over the past 5 months, I’ve lost about 10 pounds. On one hand, 10 pounds is a lot. On the other hand, especially in the face of diets and pills and supplements and exercise plans that promise to help you lose that amount in mere weeks, 10 pounds doesn’t seem like all that much.

Here’s the thing. Your weight is constantly in flux. Depending on what time of day you weigh yourself, you’re going to be lighter first thing in the morning because you haven’t eaten anything in hours because you’ve been asleep than you are if you weigh yourself in the evening after having eaten during the day. Water retention, dehydration, menstruation, what/how much you’ve eaten in a day, if you’ve been sleeping enough, and exercise can all affect your weight. And especially when you’re in your late teens and early twenties, your body is going through changes, and that can be easy to forget. Of course I’m not going to have the same body as I did when I was 15, because I’m not a child anymore. I’m not a doctor or a health expert; these are just factors I’ve personally observed as affecting my own weight on this journey.

Back in January, I started a consistent exercise plan and worked hard to eat healthier. Like I said, I’d tried other diet/exercise plans in the past, but I always fell off the wagon. This time around, instead of focusing on physical and external results, I focused on the mental/emotional and internal results. I tried to eat things that made me feel good and not gross. I love coffee, but milk in lattes makes my tummy hurt and my face breakout and I think almond milk tastes like dirt, so I switched to drinking americanos. I started substituting water (plain or the sparkling variety) for soda and juice. I ate fruit and crunchy veggies instead of chips and candy. I ate a lot of chicken and potatoes instead of the greasy and fatty cafeteria food. Making those changes made me feel better on the inside, and the external results followed. But I also didn’t totally deprive myself. If I wanted pizza, I ordered in Dominos on the weekend or went out to one of the local artisan places with my friends instead of eating a personal pan pizza from the convenience store on campus every single day for lunch. If I wanted sweets, I got something that I really love and is actually delicious instead of mindlessly grabbing a candy bar or pastry just because I was having a sugar craving. Life is all about balance, after all.

I also started working out because it made me feel good internally. My mood was better, I felt accomplished and less stressed out. I drew up a workout schedule to help me stay consistent, but I also didn’t beat myself up if I missed a day or had to switch around a workout. So much of the problem with previous attempts--this goes for both working out and eating right--is that I would subject myself to extreme plans and when I slipped up, I would go “oh well” and allow myself to spiral back into old habits. This time, I didn’t go so extreme. I focused on making small and reasonable changes and left room for off days and food that maybe isn’t so healthy but tastes good without those things becoming the end of the world and sinking my efforts.

The biggest triumph is that I simply feel better. I feel better mentally, emotionally, and physically. Losing the weight and looking better just happens to be a bonus. But getting to this point has taken a lot of time and a lot of bad days. It is so ingrained in us as a society that skinny equals healthy, and that simply isn’t true. I’m healthier now than I ever was in high school when I was skinny, yes, but I also had the metabolism of a teenager that allowed me to constantly drink lattes and lemonade and soda and eat egg McMuffins, cheeseburgers, and brownies without having to bear the consequences of the food I was eating.

Ultimately, the point of this article is to say that your health is not dictated by your weight. Healthy starts on the inside: eating foods that make you feel full and satisfied, doing activities that make you feel strong. If you’re struggling with your weight, that is OK! You’re not alone. I’m not going to lie and say that I feel 100% great about my body now 100% of the time. But fit, healthy, and happy is a journey that is in flux with you as you change and your life changes, not an ultimate destination. Remember that and take care of yourself in whatever way that means to you.