Having a dysfunctional anything never really sounds like a good thing, right?
Dysfunctional means that things aren’t working right and need to be fixed. You might hear about a lot of dysfunctional families and relationships and if someone tells you that you have a dysfunctional life, you might get a bit offended.
Except, what’s wrong with things working a bit abnormally? There is always that saying, “Nothing’s perfect” and I’m not ashamed to say that I sometimes smile and think of my marriage when I hear that.
To show that I’m not talking about how I enjoy angry screaming fights and punching walls or legitimate mental or physical abuse, I will talk about a couple things that might appear dysfunctional but could also be seen as downright quirky.
Husband is fixing the dryer. It broke and will not heat clothes to the point that they are completely dry. Dare I say it is a dysfunctional dryer (get it?). OK, moving on. He has torn apart the dryer and has asked for my help. I try to help him, knowing darn well that we do not work well together. I hold doohickies and thingamajigs up for him and he does what he needs to do, with little comments here and there reminding me to pay attention.
Eventually, the inevitable happens and I do something untimely and improperly, because I admit I wasn’t paying attention, and he shouts and tells me to stop what I’m doing and repeatedly tells me to put whatever I have down in a very high raised voice. In my mind, alarms are going off saying, “YOU SHOULDN’T SNAP AT ME!” Which is true, but that’s kind of how he is sometimes.
There is another instance that was later that day which can be summed up with two words, passive aggression. I will play therapist for a second and say that I sense that my own passive aggression is controlled by little monsters inside my heart who are called, Resentment (or Grudge for short) and Anger. They control the emotions while Understanding, Empathy, and Love step out for a quick second.
Anyway, we get home from some errands and I still have his snappy, downright yelling-at-me, comments on my mind and I have yet to bring them up for a reasonable discussion like all couples apparently should have.
I start to make myself a healthy dinner of microwavable burritos when Husband asks me if I can throw a couple in for him.
I scoff in my mind, Ha! Like I will cater to those who just yell at me.
He asks again and all I do is stare at him. He looks and me and just says, “What?” and all I say back is, “I’m not making your food." He groans and asks why and I, like a dainty married lady always should respond with, “BECAUSE PEOPLE WHO YELL AT ME DON’T DESERVE BURRITOS,” and then I turn away with the dignity of a queen or duchess.
Are these unaccepting conditions of a marriage? Of course not. Some people who have been married for a while might laugh at these little dysfunctional quirks as mere child's play.
However, I do think even a bit of snappiness and passive aggression can be healthy for a marriage.
It teaches you how to love the other despite their frustrating quirks. I know that his yelling can be a reflex because he doesn’t want anything we are working on to break or go wrong in some way. And I know that he loves me and now even laughs at some of my passive aggressive comments.
You can’t realistically live with a person and grow as a couple if you deny that every relationship has its dysfunction. Some dysfunction is way worse and is too severe for the couple to grow in any sort of healthy way. But I think I have come to accept our own brand of dysfunction.
