This article was written as an intentional effort to expand my emotional intelligence.
Should you find yourself in the same reading rabbit hole that I did and find no interest in reading anything that isn't directly related to the psychology of personal relationships, I would recommend reading "How To Avoid Falling In Love with a Jerk" by Dr. John Van Epp (How to Avoid Falling In Love with a Jerk- Amazon), "The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to a Love that Lasts" by Dr. Gary Chapman (Five Love Languages- Amazon), and finally, the classic, "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie (How to Win Friends- Amazon).
This particular article revolves most centrally around Dr. John Van Epp's take on creating healthy relationships. You can find more resources regarding relationship health at Dr. Van Epp's organization Love Thinks.
Having a healthy relationship with anyone first begins with setting healthy boundaries.
a. Boundaries are made through a clear conversation about who you are, what you want, and what you find acceptable within the relationship.
b. Examples of setting boundaries include asking someone to take a step back from you physically, asking that a person lowers their tone during a heated discussion, or even something as simple as asking someone to take off their shoes before walking on your rug (which, is, in fact, a loose boundary in my home- it won't get you kicked out, but I'm gonna be uncomfortable so just take 'em off please).
Every person you know, you are in a relationship with. Whether that relationships is familial, casual, platonic, professional, or romantic.
a. Establishing where each person in your life belongs for you on the relationship scale is essential in setting boundaries.
b. You are allowed to have different sets of boundaries for each person in your life; however, most people have a general guideline by which they judge all people.
Being in a healthy relationship requires self-reflection and an honest evaluation of the other party. Idealizing your friend or partner creates an unequal power dynamic.
a. A healthy relationship relies on healthy people. Prior to entering a relationship, it is vital to understand first of all, why you are seeking a relationship and if seeking a relationship is a help or hinder your relationship with yourself.
Following the Relationship Attachment Model (RAM), created by licensed therapist, Dr. John Van Epp, is an excellent way to keep yourself in check and help you to continue being in a healthy relationship.
a. The Relationship Attachment Model dictates that in order to maintain a healthy relationship there must be a balance between 5 factors: Know, Trust, Rely, Commitment, and Touch. Along with this balance, each factor should be met in succession with one another.
b. Dr. John Van Epp defines knowing to consist of three things: talking, together and sharing a multitude of experiences, and finally time. You cannot know someone without time.
c. Van Epp defines trust as "the confidence one has in another based on the opinion held of a person". Trusting someone before you've gotten to know them is how many times betrayals happen.
d. Van Epp says reliance is how a relationship maintains both knowing and trust, should it be done correctly. Reliance refers to trusting that your partner can and will fulfill your needs dependably. Over-reliance on a partner, however, creates an unequal power dynamic and should be avoided.
e. Commitment maintains knowing, trusting, and reliance, in a healthy relationship. According to Van Epp, commitment is practicing the belonging with one another in a relationship with and without the partner being present. Again, commitment without following the first three factors often results in fractured relationships.
f. Touch, this one is more obvious, but having a physical relationship before the prior factors are fully in effect often times creates a fictitious emotional bond between people and leaves room for heartbreak. The RAM was created to facilitate primarily romantic relationships (although I would argue that it can be moderately adjusted to help in every sort of relationship).
