My friend practices theistic Buddhism and when we manage to find some time to grab a coffee we often find ourselves discussing an interesting range of topics. Recently we talked about forgiveness and moving on from people that have done us wrong and I realized how toxic the idea that forgiveness is the only way to heal. The truth is forgiveness is cool and all but an I'm sorry doesn't always change what's been done.
I was raised with the belief that we forgive people for ourselves. We do ourselves the favor of letting go of the burden that comes with holding a grudge by giving people forgiveness. With forgiveness, we let go of all the hurt and pain and whatever else that being angry at others brings us. I am still a believer in forgiveness as a method of healing but I’ve grown to understand that it’s not a requirement to forgive and forget people who do you harm. Forgiving someone should be a personal choice and it shouldn’t be because we think it’s the right thing to do or because we think it’ll help the person that hurt us in the long run. The truth is we don’t get a choice in how other people hurt us but we do get a choice in what to do about it.
I don’t believe in forgiving and forgetting but I do believe in healing and growing and it doesn’t require me to accept an apology that I don’t believe in.
There’s nothing wrong with someone who chooses not forgive someone who’s done them harm. There are so many other methods of healing besides accepting an apology and trying to move forward. Healing doesn’t just come when you accept an apology. Healing can come from growth. Sometimes people don’t mean to hurt you but an apology with no meaning behind it doesn’t have much of an effect to make you feel better.
The one thing I was never taught is that I don’t have to accept an apology if I felt like it wasn’t helpful in my own journey of healing. I had to teach myself that even though people say sorry that it doesn’t change what they did and that I have the choice of what to do with that.
The truth is sometimes apologies don’t come and we’re left in limbo and those are the moments when you don’t have to accept an apology you never got you just have to move on.
People that hurt you had their reasons but you learn nothing by dwelling on it. Moving on, healing, growing will benefit you a lot more in the long run.
The truth is saying sorry doesn’t fix everything and yes sometimes it’s necessary but it doesn't change wrongdoings. Learning how to apologize is important but learning that you don't have to accept every apology is also an important lesson to learn. Sometimes apologies are empty and sometimes they don't come but we learn to move on.
