Flip a coin and you find that it has two sides: heads and tails. Never can you see both at once. It’s either one side or the other. However, if you have two coins of the same worth, or even have a picture depicting both sides, you are able to see them, side by side.

I find that quite interesting, because that is life. You get the good and the bad; each are a side of its own. Hindsight gives you the ability to tell the difference between them, but only if you are ready to see it. I believe I say rightly that everyone has experienced both, no matter the age. Funny how life seems to have plenty of coins to throw at us, because if you notice, as long as we grow and live our lives, we continuously experience them. We have learned to expect it.

One of the best moments in my relatively short life was, interestingly, one of my worst ones: my college graduation. After six years of sleep deprivation, fluctuating weight, mental expansion, and hard work, I had finally achieved my dream. I graduated college! Two Bachelor's degrees, and with honors (that last bit kind of surprised me since I worked part time). I did it though! I managed to be one of the first in my family to achieve such a thing. However, there was a downside to graduating college. One is led to believe that graduating college means that life can truly begin. Finally, you can meet your destiny with open arms! Or so they say…

I thought that the ceremony would be my launching pad toward my future. I had worked hard to get there, and everyone that played a pivotal role in supporting me and helping me maintain what remaining sanity I had was there to commemorate. (Note: college is NOT an easy, fly-by drive-thru. To those that treat it as such, shame on you. Hundreds wish they could have your opportunity, so make it count.)

Remember when you were in high school, and you watched the seniors celebrate their last year? How they confidently walked across that stage, diploma in hand, eyes filled with starry visions of greatness? Yeah, I was definitely not one of those. All I could think of then, and now at my college graduation, was the ever looming question of, “What now?” I didn’t come from a wealthy family, so that question was really important to me. How would I answer, and in what way, that would make my family proud of me? Make me proud of myself? One side of the coin, people. That’s all I could see.

It was a question that has haunted me for the past six years.

I tried to smile with sincerity. After all, graduating from college was, and is, a big deal. Make no mistake, it is a great and wonderful achievement. Yet again, in my mind’s eye, while shaking hands and accepting good luck wishes, all I could see was that ever pervasive question, growing in size for every minute that I did not produce an immediate answer. And I had no answer. Nein. Believe me when I say that that is a very vulnerable place to be in. Frightening, even. Why? Because of the expectations people had for me, and the ones I had for myself. Whether we realize it or not, we expect immediate answers to our expectations, through actions, plans, affirmation of words. Something. Not having anything to respond with is something that throws us off as human beings.

Think of it. Our society is one that holds strong to the belief that one cannot be mature and successful in life unless one is educated enough to meet life head on. Go to school, they say. Get an education, a degree in something that matters. Then live the life worthy of remembrance – if not for others, then for yourself. Quite a tall and demanding order, if you ask me. Not impossible to fulfill, yet difficult nonetheless. So why was this so difficult for me? I’ve asked that myself numerous times. Here I am, a college graduate, stuck in the gutter lane of “What now?” The world should be my oyster, it should be mine for play! Now that I am educated, I am able to move forward; I can do whatever and anything that I want. My future awaits!

Well, life is not that simple.

Surprise, everyone.

I had no plans for continuing onward to grad school (although I had tried applying). I had no grand job or career lined up that would take care of my financial needs (student loans, anyone?) or at least serve as a stepping stone towards a better career, one preferably where I actually use either of my degrees.

Instead, I found myself crashing mentally and physically, all the while stressing about what to do next. I had expectations sitting upon my shoulders like heavy burdened water buckets full from the well. Everyone was watching me. Waiting. Expecting. What will I do with myself, for myself, and by association, for them? I know that there must be a few people who have felt the same. If not in my exact situation, then something similar to it. These expectations demanded answers. I demanded answers. However, I didn’t have any, despite everyone’s suggestions and advice. I felt quite alone and helpless, as if I floated alone on this massive ocean, black and bleak, and at any moment an angry wave would soar above and swallow me without a second thought. I questioned Life. God. Family. Friends. Myself. Everything. They were some pretty dark days, but you know, there are some things you need to learn and discover on your own, without interference.

I don’t have any advice to give. No five-step or even twelve-step program to help you avoid what I went through, and what I still am experiencing. But I’ll tell you what I found out thus far: the "What now?" is a wind of nature. It forces one to examine oneself and realize who you are and what you want in life. I rediscovered my faith, and I believe that at least I’ll have a lighthouse amidst those hungry waves. I realized that I can’t meet everyone’s expectations. I know I’ll fail if I try. I mean, come on, there’s a bunch of them and only one of me. Not exactly a fair ratio, in my opinion. College was never meant to be a school on how to live life. It only gives the tools necessary to help you find one to your liking. Knowing and realizing this is important. Family and friends mean well, but ultimately your future is up to you.I guess you can say I’ve learned quite a few things. I have a thick skull, which means, unfortunately, that I learn the hard way (sorry Mom!).

That "What Now?" still haunts me, but after staring at it for so long, it doesn’t intimidate me as much as it once did. I’m still here, right? I’m still alive. That means something. It’s the other side of the coin. Not exactly what I wanted, yet it made me much stronger than I was before. And that is a good thing. I can now see them both, the good and the bad. And you know what? I don’t regret my experience one bit.

Something to think about.