The divorce rate that occurred during my childhood, resulted in me having six brothers, of various degrees, the half, full and the step-sibling. All three sets of parents that I had and subsequent my stepparents seemed to be in an ever-stressed-out state. The year usually consisted of who was stationed at which parent’s home and when. Step-siblings flew in or were driven at neutral locations, and our home often felt like a hostel. This was not going to be my future that I had assured myself. Time went on quickly and the years came; suddenly my partner and I had become parents. Our child was healthy and happy.
Around six months into her life, that’s when the questions began, “When is the next adorable little one?” Or they increased heavily by my daughter's two-year mark, they would say, “Just about time for the next one!?” I even had one friend watch me carry my daughter and her play date on both of my hips and then comment, “See that looks good on you. You could totally have more!”
Why? Every time I was assailed with the question, my response was the same retort, robotically, “Oh well, we are happy. One and done.” Eyes seemed to pop out of their heads. It was as if I had said that children were evil or the Martians had landed. Why would I want to take my focus away from this beautiful creation that was my child? Was I selfish or lazy or do I just know that I do best focusing my energies in one direction? People seemed to pressure us consistently. When I had always been reminded, growing up in a very dysfunctional family, that there were too many children for any nonsense or deviation from what the adults deemed was happening or was right.
Cousins abounded from my from extremely prolific family and honestly everyone was too involved in their lives to try to stay together because miles and circumstances separated much of my family. My friends suffered as well. Many of my friends were unhappy to be at a parent’s house during what was usually court-mandated custodial visitation time. I did not want my child to ever be hindered by my mistakes. Psychologist and author Carl E. Pickhardt believes that singletons “are typically supported and encouraged by parents to develop themselves, and often want to achieve highly for their own sake and also to live up to their parents’ high investment and expectations.
What’s more, without siblings, they are more used to the presence of adults, which may sharpen social and verbal skills at an earlier age. (Goudreau, 2013)." My intuition, experience, and research all indicated that my life choice to only have one child was verified.
Again, since I had decided early in my life that being the mother of one was perfect for my lifestyle, my research just reinforced my resolve that our family would be healthy and maybe give our child a better future than we had been given by doing something different than prior generations had deemed the normal nuclear family. Whereas I had felt that my existence was a burden, my partner and I strive every day to ensure that our child is as healthy, mentally, spirituality, psychologically and socially as we deem is expectant from a good parent. Yet, this same devotion seems to incite other parents to vocalize the abnormality of not bearing more than one child.
Although in a Danish study performed by Hans-Peter Kohler, who is a professor of sociology at the University of Pennsylvania, discovered that children bring happiness at the level of emotion that a mate does to a person’s contentment, but that more children than one does not increase happiness in mothers and in fact, “showed that more children make mothers less happy (Newman, 2010).” Each family decides what is best for them, and honestly, for my family one is perfect. On the same note, I give no judgment as to the number of children that others chose for their family planning because it simply is not my business.
Correspondingly, I know that many parents of singletons feel judged just as I have felt. For some, only one child is a point of stress, because they wished for more but medically could not. The repeated question of their fertility can bring out very strong emotions and I frown at this topic of conversation. In my opinion, the worst thing that you can say to a parent of a singleton is, “What if something happens?” This question I deem intolerable. Why do I need a spare child for just in case something were to happen? Would that lessen my position of being someone’s mother if my child died? No. So what is the interest in having a child as my heir and a few children to spare? The creation of support groups and blogs for parents of only children abound for this very reason. Maybe our society should realize that we are no longer dependent on procreation for financial advancement of the family unit as it had been during the earlier centuries. Multiple children were required due to the need for a male heir that had to be named and fields needed the hands of many young workers, so multiple children were a benefit. In fact, now children cost more to educate and feed then they had when we were a far more agricultural nation. Now women can inherit legally.
So no need for the male child’s arrival to ensure the family lineage. No child factory workers allowed in this century. No large agricultural communities that require field hands. Just being a parent that has to clothe, feed and school a child for the preparation of the 21st century.
