A lot of times when people say they have a "secret," what they really mean is they've only told a few, strategically selected close people in their lives.
What I mean by secret is, I've only told my closest friends about these unsettled feelings I've had for four years, for the first time this past week.
When you tell someone your feelings, especially if it's someone that has no idea, and plays a crucial part in your everyday life. Someone who has seen you bawl your eyes out in agony, cry tears of joy, and just overall knows way more about you than anybody should, it is definitely important to weigh the odds.
Odds are, it won't work out.
Odds are, they don't feel the same.
Odds are, you lose one of the most important people in your life and you'll never be able to rekindle the connection in the same way again, and that just fucking sucks.
There's a lot of reasons why I haven't revealed my feelings to him. The biggest reason is that just because I like someone doesn't mean I want to be with them. I've let go of some of the best connections I've ever had because I knew I couldn't deliver the type of love and attention they truly deserved. And in this case, I just don't feel like I could ever be as great of a lover to him, as he could potentially be to me. I don't think he wouldn't feel the same, I just don't think it can ever work out, at least not at this moment.
And I'll tell you why.
We're both growing and just starting to be the people who we always wanted to be. We're both creators, artists, in different crafts. He inspires me now more than he ever has in our friendship. He has become my confidant and holds such a high value in my life. I'm not sure he even has the slightest idea, even friendship wise, how important he is to me. I don't think that when we're diving into exploring who we are, that a romantic connection will help either of our growths. And for the both of us, I want to be selfish and put ourselves before whatever connection could ever grow from this in the future or not.
We're both dating. Not to mention, know a lot of details about each other's dating lives and history. And there are some things both of has said about our dating lives that makes it impossible for us to ever work currently. For example, traveling is something that has always been important to me. I love connecting with people I wouldn't otherwise meet unless I was at the right time and the right place, and he is currently having this same realization. The realization that someone local probably isn't going to cut it for us. And if I told you how local he lived, he would know, but I guess that doesn't matter anymore. So, I'll tell you this: the proximity between us is closer than the word local.
And lastly, we're both not ready to settle down. I just can't picture us playing house and pretending like we are totally OK with being with each other for the rest of our lives, like tomorrow. I know that telling my best friend about my feelings doesn't mean I have to marry them, but the truth is, I see him being in my life for years to come, whether he's waiting for me at the end of the aisle, or in the front row crying because he's so happy I found that type of bond with another human.
Even though I get a little cringed when I hear him talk about that girl he fucked on vacation, and even though every part of me melts when I hear him say how important I am to them, I just don't think now is the right time. And even if he reads this, and knows the truth, I'll still not be ready to do anything about these unsettled feelings. So until then, if you're reading this I want you to know a couple of things I never say enough:
Your warmth has always inspired me.
You never let me sit and dwell on the negative and I couldn't thank you enough for that.
Your confidence to do whatever you want, makes me want it for myself too.
Your guidance, long talks for hours, and laughs in between both of our tears will always have a permanent home in my heart, and influence on who I am.
You are the sweetest, kindest person I have ever come across, without even trying.
You live so authentically and honestly, I am forever thankful I even get to call you one of my closest friends.
And even though there are tears in my eyes as I finish writing this, know that I'll always love you no matter what role you fill in my life.