For as long as I can remember, I’ve had my life completely mapped out. I knew where I would attend college, what I would major in, what courses I would take and what career I would ultimately end up with. I had the reputation of being the girl who had it “figured out,” until one day, I didn’t.
Growing up, I always wanted to be a veterinarian. From the time I was about 8 years old, I had a passion for animals and the dream of spending my life taking care of them. Unlike most children, I didn’t grow out of this dream. Instead, I became more serious about it as the years went on, and I did everything in my power to give myself the best opportunity to make this dream a reality. I got accepted to the college of my dreams and received a scholarship, in addition to finding many other opportunities that would only help me in the future. Everything seemed great, until I got cold feet.
Around the time of orientation and registration for classes, I began having mixed emotions about moving four hours away from my family and friends, and as time passed, these mixed emotions transformed into complete fear of leaving. Along with this fear came second thoughts about every single plan I made in the past years. The next thing I knew I was questioning the college I chose, the major I declared, and even the degree I dreamed about from the time I was old enough to answer the question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I second guessed every single seemingly concrete decision I made in my life thus far, until I was dreading my future instead of embracing it.
About a month before freshman move in day, some other personal and family issues arose, and I decided to enroll at Tarleton State University, which was only about 45 minutes from my hometown. This decision resulted in my loss of a substantial scholarship, along with even more mixed emotions. I had no clue if I was making the right choice or if I would completely regret the choice I made in the future. I was just hoping for the best and “winging it” as I went. In addition to completely changing schools, I also dropped my major and registered as undeclared. For someone who always had a goal in mind, my lack of a major and really any kind of plan at all was terrifying and heartbreaking. For days I felt completely defeated and my disappointment in myself almost became unbearable. I was so frustrated that not only did I have no clue what direction I was headed, but also that all of my hard work up to that point had been for nothing.
To this day, I still don’t have the first clue where I’m headed. I have plenty of both old and new ideas for my future (and I'm even extremely passionate about a few of them), but I’ve yet to make a concrete decision. Despite the discomfort I feel from being a goal oriented person without a set a goal, no experience has resulted in more personal growth than my current one. Because I don’t know what my future will look like, I’ve learned to embrace moments in the present instead of wishing them away so I can start my future. Not to mention, I’ve learned how to disregard the negative opinions of others (trust me, I’ve heard plenty in the last few months) and instead make decisions that result in my happiness, despite how that may look on the outside.
To anyone who is a similar situation as me and is feeling the same uncomfortable emotions, I can’t tell you it’s going to be okay. I can’t tell you it will all work out in the end because I haven’t experienced that part of this journey. However, I can tell you that you’re not the only one feeling this way. I know what it’s like to not be taken seriously because I can’t even take myself seriously. I know what it’s like to fear settling for a life I don’t love because I never found my passion. Maybe it’s normal to question every step you take, and maybe it isn’t, I don’t know. However, I do know that whether or not it’s normal to be unsure or it’s normal to be scared, you’re not the only one who is terrified, because I am too. Despite how scared we may be and despite how frustrating it is to feel trapped in the same place, as if we’re taking more steps backwards than we are forward, all we can do is embrace it. Embrace not having a freaking clue, because it results in spontaneous decisions that can create lifelong passions. Embrace not knowing what comes next, because it creates excitement for the possibly that there might be an exact moment when it hits us and we finally know what our calling truly is. Embrace being unsure, because it’s the one opportunity we have to believe that somehow even the situations we believe are the biggest disasters have a way of working themselves out.
