I was 17 when I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It's been one hell of a ride since then. No, I am not a veteran, no, I've never been in combat. But that doesn't change the severity of my disorder.
When someone hears the acronym PTSD, they think "war vet." Having PTSD does not mean I got shot at or fought in a battle. Having PTSD means I went through something very traumatic and survived it. It means I am working to get to the day where I don’t get triggered. It means I am fighting through flashbacks to get to nicer ones. It means though my memories are broken, I still try to make them whole. Having PTSD means I have to work a little harder to be with someone.
I don't mean to lash out on you or make you feel any less than whole. I'm not mad at you, I just have a lot of anger pent up. I never mean to sound rude or hesitant it's just in my make-up. I try to tell you things, but some days I just can't. My emotions are like a roller coaster and not all of them are pleasant. Please don't force things out of me, it only makes it worse.
Just because I breakdown it doesn’t make me weak. It does not make me a lesser person. I promise the bad days are worth it when you see the good. When I have a bad day I turn into a wall, not because I want to or chose to. No one will truly understand the trauma as the person who has suffered it. It doesn’t mean you don’t care, I’m aware of that. Please keep trying.
Don't ask me how I slept because I don't like to talk about it. Most nights end with no sleep and endless night terrors. The ghosts I hide during the day roam free at night, I lose every bit of control I have and my sub-conscious haunts me. So please, if I look exhausted leave it at that, sleeping is almost impossible some nights.
I probably don't want to talk about it. I probably have already been pushed that day so please cut me a break. Just because I'm hurting doesn't mean I'm incapable of taking care of myself.
Having PTSD shouldn't be romanticized or downsized due to the trauma at hand. It doesn't have the same effects on everyone and what I go through isn't necessarily what someone else will go through. But in the end, I am a fighter and having PTSD makes me strong, never weak.
