Oh, love. The most confusing subject, to me at least. I have always been a curious person. I ask questions about time and early humans and religion and, well, love. Throughout my years on Earth, I have always gone back and forth on whether I even believe in it. After all, it's hard to believe in love if you've never been in it.
When I was 14, I wrote this:
"Heres the truth. I've never been in love. Never really felt the need to be, regardless of all the movies and books telling me how amazing it was or could be."
And now, at 19, I wrote this:
"I don't think I love anyone. Not the way you want me to. I'm not in love with you. I'll never be in love with you or anyone. It's not real."
Granted, I wrote that negative piece of work when I was feeling particularly pessimistic about a situation in my own life. Truth is, I can't decide. I've had people describe it for me. I've had people tell me there had to be one person I was in love with, but for me, there just isn't anyone.
Maybe it's just me as a person. I am very guarded and incredibly hard to get to know. Maybe I'm the type of person who doesn't love easy. See, that's the problem. I don't know. I've never felt it. I've never felt the things other people do. I'll sit and listen to my friends talk about love and how it is this undeniable feeling of comfort and safety, but thrill at the same time. They describe it as warm and uplifting. I have been in great relationships, but I wouldn't describe any of them as warm or uplifting.
And I get it, love is different for everyone. Maybe it just doesn't feel the same way to me as it does for them. However, I know in my gut I have never been in love. I've cried numerous times because I want to believe in it so bad, but my mind just won't stop asking questions I can't answer.
I'm young. Just shy of 19 and still experiencing life as single as I can be. I don't want love right now. I don't want anything right now, but it's hard not to think about it. Doesn't everyone want love? Isn't love supposed to be this life-changing experience? Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I'm thinking too highly of it. Maybe I'm expecting this big revelation that "Oh my god, I'm in love with him." Maybe that's not it.
Maybe love is seeing something and automatically thinking of them. Maybe love is putting them first. Maybe love is respect to the highest degree. Maybe love is more simple than I'm making it out to be.
Regardless of anything, love is something I've never been able to grasp or understand. I love my parents and my siblings and my friends, but isn't romantic love supposed to be different? Like, how Belle loved the Beast or how Bonnie loved Clyde? That is what I do not understand.
Don't even get me started about soulmates. Wouldn't it be nice if the theory about Zeus splitting humans in half so your genuine other half is somewhere in this world? It's beautfiul, I must admit. The notion of someone has another that entirely completes them. How lucky a person is to have someone they believe is their other half.
I hope one day someone is able to change my curiosity to belief. Until then, I will continue to question things I do not understand, because am I really human if I don't?
