Watching your health diminish has been one of the most painful things I have ever expierenced. I already miss you. You have not been yourself for many, many years now. I remember when we used to ride scooters down the driveway. We used to play tennis at the park together. We would play basketball and soccer in the yard. I was never any good, but I tried, and we had fun. That was who you were.
Now a days I watch you sit on the couch almost all day long. I watch you fall asleep on the couch because the slightest bit of physical exertion tires you out. My heart squeezes every time. I constantly wonder what you are thinking. I wonder what the first thought in your head is when you wake up in the morning. Are you happy for another day, or is the pain too strong? I wonder if you even feel like life is worth living anymore. Years and years of constant pain and agony would get to anyone. I get angry, and I am upset that this is the way things are and I am forced to remember how real this is. You will never recover, and someday, someday you will be gone, and I can never have you back.
I am scared of that day. What will I regret when you are gone? I often think about what that day will be like. Where will I be? Where will you be? Who will I be with? How will my mind and body react to such tragedy? I have tried to prepare myself for that day. I have tried to prepare myself knowing that you many not get to watch me get married. I have tried to prepare myself by knowing your future grandchildren may not get to meet you. I have tried to prepare myself by knowing that I may not have you to turn to while I stumble through adulthood.
Even though its obviously not true, it feels like no one can really understand the fear I have. It feels like no one will be able understand the pain I will feel when you are gone. I may not show it very well, because I've learned from you how to pretend like I'm numb. But I promise you that I do care, I always have.
For me, it isn't about the money. It isn't about the belongings. Rip me dry of them all, and leave me with nothing. They can take it all if that is what fills the emptiness in their hearts. It won't fill mine. Nothing will be able to replace the absence of you.
Nothing.
