Hate is not something that comes naturally to me. I am a lot of things: insecure, odd, confused, too intelligent for my own good, lazy... But I'm not a hater. I dislike, I dissociate but I don't hate.
Violence is not in my nature either. I can be pushed and pushed and pushed, never standing up to defend myself. Absorbing all the negative, the hurt, the words and just holding on to them. Living with the demons of all the bad I've absorbed, never really truly lashing out.
I never, ever knew the intensity of these feelings until recently.
Believe me, or don't; but as someone who doesn't hate anyone, it's super weird to feel that hatred all at once. There's nothing I can do to calm it, I just try to overcome it and hope that my mind is stronger than my desire to rip their heart from their chests and feed it to them, after dragging their face across the concrete and pulling each fingernail and eyelash one by one. I'm not consumed by it, gratefully there's little contact between us but that is by design, not by chance.
Before anyone gets all holier than thou on me, please know that I do not choose to hate this person. I did nothing, NOTHING, to deserve the reign of hell that has shrouded my life with this person in it. I've been made to feel insecure, insane, worthless, and pathetic because of this person and after so much damage I can only do so much to overwhelm my natural instincts. It has nothing to do with who their with, or any unfair bias on my part; but this hatred has grown as the result of the actions, deliberate and other, of said person. I don't even know why I'm sitting here defending my feelings of hatred when I'm aware that they're completely justified.
As a person once spewing with love, giving out unlimited forgiveness, this is new territory for me; and as someone who has never been given the chance to connect fist to face, the nearly constant desire to destroy this person is strange to me. Like all the new things in my life, this is a learning experience as well. I wish I could say I'll be able to maintain my control if ever face to face with "the one who shall not be named", but I can't promise that. I can't believe my feelings toward this person will ever change either, so this could be a rough one.
I don't aim to hate anyone, but this has fallen in my lap and for now there's nothing I can do but live with it; and hope that the hate falls away with the hurt. Presently, that's not happening; but we can always hope!
Once again, I'm writing here like there's someone to listen. Like there's anyone who would be interested to know my mind, and the things I'm coping with. But, hey, doesn't matter right?! I'm writing anyways, and if you happen to wanna read.... thanks!
-Princess Out!
