Through all the screaming matches -- from you saying I’m not good enough to me crying in my room all night over you -- I spent months torturing myself by just simply staying with you. It felt like no matter what I did to make you happy, you had something up your sleeve to tear me down. No matter how many beautiful nights we had, I knew the following day was going to be nothing but crying and hating myself. I was never able to even breathe without feeling like you would scream at me for simply doing that. You put on such an amazing act in front of my friends and family; you acted like you were an angel sent from above. But the second they were gone, you turned into the exact opposite of an angel. I’m not going to lie, you made me feel like the only girl in the world for a few months before all of this nonsense happened to you. We used to spend every weekend together and it was filled with nothing but happy tears from laughing, super tight hugs, and me falling asleep in your arms. I felt so safe and secure with you... And that is what messed me up.
You see, I never did anything but give my all to you and love you with every inch of my heart. If I had more of my heart to give to you, I would have... I loved you so much and thought you did nothing wrong. I told you every day I loved you and you replied every day with, “Baby I’d never hurt you.”
Back then, I believed every single word you had said to me, why would you lie to someone you love... Right?
I should have known that attachment leads to nothing but disappointment and nights spent hating yourself more and more. How could I still love someone that did nothing but put me down the last three months of our relationship... How?
How could I still love someone who did nothing but tear me apart from the inside out? How could I still love someone who did nothing but mentally abuse me and destroy my mind to little broken pieces? How could I still love someone who cheated on me multiple times and acted like it was no issue? You knew I would stay with you through it all; through all this wicked pain. It wouldn’t matter if I was crying in front of you. Every time you kissed me, it was with the same mouth you just finished kissing someone else with. I still loved you. I think the sad thing is, I would still come running back to you if you ever came back, and I hate that. You knew that I loved you so much, so you took advantage of my kind heart that was already broken before.
To this day, I find myself putting barriers around myself when people talk to me.
I find myself not talking to new people because I’m terrified they will take my kind heart for granted.
I find myself still writing these stupid letters about how you tore me apart... But I still love you.
No one will understand why I still feel this way, and to be honest, I don’t know why I do either.
Every word out of your cheating mouth was about as true as your love for me, and I’m so glad you are out of my life.
I hate you, but I will still always love you.
Love,
The Girl You Broke
