When you’re alone and no one is around, you get to thinking. We have all been there and done that. Various thoughts cross our minds whether it be about lost relationships, embarrassing moments that we can’t seem to forget, or deep profound thoughts and questions about us as people. Those are the thoughts that I struggle with when I’m alone. When no one else is around, I start to question myself. Without the presence of my friends and close peers, these queries pop up and occur more. That’s why I hate being alone.

I don’t dislike being in solitude because I will be bored. Yes, that sucks, but it’s not the worst thing about it. The worst thing about being alone is that I am alone with myself. I have all the time in the world to think about who I am and what my existence means. Who am I as a person and what am I supposed to be doing? I’ve had this conversation with and shared my feelings with people before. It all comes back to the fact that I solidify and establish who I am based on my relationships. Who I am in your eyes means everything to me. Not necessarily in the sense of being a good person (even though that is important), but in the sense of what our relationship is, does, where it’s going, and your support. Do we see the potential (career, future family, etc.) within each other?

I’ve been told time and time again, that I shouldn’t care what people think. Or that I know who I am (Though if I’m asking that, do I really know?). Others that I care about have shared with me that I am, “a beautiful, talented, hardworking individual who has an abundance of opportunities waiting for them.” But that doesn’t help me any. I appreciate that compliment, but that’s not what gives me fulfillment. That does not help me figure out who I am. When those who I really appreciate and care for aren’t around, I still don’t know who I am.

I’ve also been told that God has a plan for me and since I am enough for Him, I should be enough for myself. That relationship should mean everything and should establish who I am as a person. I am a believer of God and I treasure our relationship. I know who I am in God’s eyes and that I am His child. I will find out in time who I am, but it’s on His time. I just have to wait and see. As much as I want to say that’s enough for me, and His love and grace is, I still cannot help but wonder and think, "Who am I?"

I am a planner, and was raised to be one. I was also raised to appreciate the relationships with others. And I do, but when I’m not around people, especially friends, I have a hard time establishing who I am. The activities that we take part in together, the struggles that we share, the conversations that enrich our bond and sense of philosophical development, help me figure out who I am. I feel like I grow closer to finding out who I am going to be and in what direction I am headed. We plan our whole lives with our best friends, talking about where we are going and what we want to do. We dream about all of the things that we will do together. Those plans help me dream of the person I can grow to be, and I plan my life around those dreams.

I am aware that I am young and I have my whole life to figure it out, but when I’m alone, it hits me like a brick wall. It bothers me that I cannot figure that out now. I’ve also wondered if that means that I care too much about what people think and have to say. Those close to me have shared that I let people influence me too much, but I don’t think that’s it at all. I feel that caring so much and letting those relationships help guide me shows how much I trust them. It establishes that bond that states, "I trust that we will help each other find ourselves. We will grow together. We will be each other’s partners on the journey. We will make it through this gamble of a world together."

This is why I hate being alone. I feel that on my own, I am moving, but with no great current to help push me along. I am a lonely Merlin without Dory trying to find Nemo. There is no thrill or excitement. I’m aware I’m an over-thinker. I know that all too well, but with how up in the air life is as a young adult, I can’t help but ask. Is it so bad to want some stability? Many have expressed that one never fully knows who they are. If that’s the case, I will eventually have to come to terms with that. For right now, I may just keep thinking. Maybe I will find myself, maybe somehow I’ll get comfortable with the thought.